LAY-OFF LIST

1. Ride a mechanical bull.

2. Be a groupie and get a backstage pass. (not the slutty kind, just the kind that loves the music)

3. Go camping, real camping.

4. Get tattoo

5. Take road trip.

6. Go skinny dipping.

7. Write that book.

8. Take over a dive bar.

9. Participate in open mic night.

10. Find a job, that I love.

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Sunday
07Feb2010

Fiddle Dicks.

I'm kind of a bad driver. 

It's who I am.

I go slowly when there is pretty scenery, and I take the corners too sharp. I forget where I am going till after I pass it.... and I have a panic attack EVERY time I have to merge on to a freeway. I am not going to apologize for this. 

The very ironic part of this whole scenario is that whenever I get into a situation where another driver commits a crime against me, I lose it. Completely: As in laying on the horn and screaming out things like "What the hell is wrong with you? VAGINA LIPPED FLEA BAG.

I try not to cuss with kids in the car. You know responsible parenting.

I guess I've gone too far though, because today my 9 year old daughter chimed in.

I was cut off on a highway, causing me to have to hit the breaks, "Jack ASS" I screamed as my sternum cracked the steering wheel. My daughter pounded the glass with her fists and added "FIDDLE DICK." 

This happened to be the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. After I wiped away my tears the following conversation ensued:

Me: Honey, dick isn't a nice word, actually most people think its a bad word.

Her: What does dick mean?

Me: There is no easy way to say this, it means penis.

(entire backseat full of girls under the age of 10 screaming in horror)

Her (furiously): I told you not to tell me things like this until I'm 16.

Me: Oh, sorry.

(She had warned me about this in a previous conversation when she asked me what a prostitute was....DAMN DATELINE)

FYI: Fiddle Dicks will be on heavy rotation in my vocabulary.

 

 

 

Thursday
04Feb2010

Um, holy shit.

If you want to see the most amazing booty shaking I've ever seen in my life please forward to 1:14 on this vid.

Yeah, my vagina is crying sympathy tears, and I think I threw my back out just imagining trying it.  

 There is also this weird side of me that feels like maybe watching this video and enjoying it makes me a bad person. So conflicted. I don't know where these feelings are coming from but I think that it might be because I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks... just guessing.

Nonetheless, it is amazing.

Wednesday
03Feb2010

This Goes out to all my old Ad Agency Ho's

xoxo,

Darcy 

Monday
01Feb2010

Apologies...

So, I have been slacking a bit in the last week or so, I didn't write a column for the reader last week so there was no new Single In Sandpoint. I've been at the mercy of the medical profession, and basically, just too tired to be overly funny or observant. 

But its coming to an end this week folks, and soon I will be back to my old self. And we can laugh together and chat about camel toes, or sluts, or kids, or booze, whatever our hearts desire.

Also I can get back to working on that dang Lay Off List, you know that pesky little reminder on the left side of this page. I think I may have number 10 DONE.

I can't keep it inside any longer though. I guess.... I always have time for just one observation: the Grammy's last night, I MEAN SERIOUSLY!!! The camel toe is back in a big way, I've never seen them so extreme or so mainstream.  So I'm going to sign of this post with last nights best toes, and I'm seriously wondering who should take the crown:

GAGA TOE

PINK TOE

Its a tough choice, but I think you can actually see Pink's vulva, so I might have to say, that she is the new unofficial queen of the toe, and I don't just hand that award out lightly. Some people would say that it is impossible for Lady Ga Ga to achieve a camel toe... 

Nice Brazilians.

Sunday
31Jan2010

Frank The Entertainer in A Basement Affair Episode 5: Don't Expect Your Fuck Buddy to Give You a Personal References

I'm a little under the weather tonight, and I am just going to get to the point. So I'm not going to do a lot of intro...

The challenge of the day is kids. Frank wants kids & he wants a lady who can handle them. Franks parents tell the girls how much of a little asshole Frank has been his whole life. Apparently they need to take their pent up aggression out on the ladies....cue a bunch of little brats. The brats come in dressed identically to Frank. Its a bunch of little boys about 10 years old or so in age, and after they arrive the Marescas including Frank leave the girls alone with the beasts. Well, clearly the boys were fed crack before they were let loose on the set, because they went ape shit: jumping on shit, taking pictures off the walls, screaming, making fun of the girls etc... I'm sure the producers told these little kids to do these things, and I'm pretty sure this isn't the Maresca's real house...so I don't really feel like the kids are destroying precious heirlooms. However,  the set is supposed to be their real house and the girls are supposed to protect it from the children so obviously this is a disaster.

Most of the girls fair pretty well with the children. There is one kid thats a total brat and the girls keep nagging at him and he doesn't give a rats ass. Most of the girls kept their cool but Christi, lost it and "screamed" at him. I didn't think it was a scream, more of a raised voice. It wasn't like she threatened to kick his little ass or slapped the shit out of him. 

Anyway, in the end the kids liked Kerry and Melody. They hated Christi, and bada bing Kerry and Melody are going on a special bowling date with Frank and his parents and the other girls are going to barbeque with Frank's brother Sal.

This whole episode has a back story of Felicia being a shady wench. First she went and tried to start a rumor that Cathy was dating a celebrity, then she tried to steal a note that Renee wrote to Frank. I understand somewhat trying to sabotage Cathy, as she is competition....but Renee? Felicia you should be ashamed trying to sabotage Renee? She does that to herself, she doesn't need any more help. To top this Shady McShaderson behavior Felicia also tells Frank's brother all about her future as a CFO. Crazy as it sounds  she fails to mention how Frank would fit into her life as a CFO. I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT IS A BIG DEAL.  So she isn't naming their kids! Big deal, right now he has like 9 other girlfriends. I mean, isn't the more alarming point here that a VH1 dating show contestant has serious plans to become a CFO? Why isn't she on the apprentice? OR maybe even Shark Tank? Felicia I'm worried about you, and back off Cathy or I can't continue to blog in your favor.

Also during this barbeque Christi basically tells Sal that she still screws her ex, or maybe their just BFF's. Regardless, she should have just kept her mouth shut. Then Sal tells Frank about Christi's fuck buddy, and Frank confronts her. He is  like call him. Dumb ass Christi calls the ex and lets Frank ask him, the ex says that they "messed around" two weeks before she left for the show. Frank is disgusted, Christi cries.

Now its time for damage control, Cathy has to tell Frank that she is not a celebrity fucker except maybe she would fuck him...Is Frank a celebrity? Once you do him Cathy, you may have to wear the scarlet letter of celebrity fuckery keep that in mind.... And Felicia has to explain to Frank that she is sorry about trying to steal the note, and she would love to be Franks sugar mamma. Frank isn't impressed with this story.

In the end Frank sends Christi home....duh