Ok, today's Fantasy Smoke Break is a NO BRAINER. Shorty Rossi. Not only is Pit Boss one of my favorite shows on TV but, DAYUM Shorty is not fucking around. Seriously. He's a bad ass ex con who runs a little person talent agency AND a pit bull rescue. When I say he's bad ass I'm not joking he did his time in Folsom, and his charges included attempted murder.

You can tell he's the type of guy that would be perfect to go on a smoke break with. There is no way Shorty would whine about his boss and bitch of a girl friend he IS THE BOSS, and probably has ho's for days. Also you can just tell he's the type of guy who will take a long lunch on a Tuesday afternoon complete with cocktails... and lets face it~ that's the kind of friend we all need.  

(You can read more about him here, but I added this quote from Animal Planet's write up, just to give you an idea.)

Shorty is a workaholic by nature; therefore, he doesn’t have much spare time for socializing. When in social settings, he often surrounds himself with people of all backgrounds in his home in Los Angeles and his second home in Mexico, where he also spends a lot of time promoting pit bull awareness. Shorty has a special place in his heart for his employees Ashley, Sebastian and Ronald, who are all little people. Shorty loves cigars, wine, and relaxing with friends and his five pit bulls.

If you aren't watching this show, you need to be ashamed of yourself. 

If I found myself lucky enough to go on a fantasy smoke break with Shorty Rossi, here are the questions I would ask him:

1. Tell me about the incident that got you thrown into jail for 10 years, that had to be some REALLY crazy shit.

2. Can you please let me go out with you and your crew just once?....I have a feeling you have more fun than I do.

3. What kind of cigars do you smoke?

4. This is more of a suggestion than a question but, please fire Ronald and hire me.

 Here is Shorty on Jimmy Kimmel.  

This is perhaps the most disturbing, yet intriguing commercial since Nannerpuss. This guy needs a smoke break for a couple of reasons:

1. His wife thought it would be a good idea for him to dress up like a pedophile and "entertain" a  bunch of kids. Clearly she HATES children.

2. He did it. Despite,  KNOWING that clowns are the scariest creatures on the planet, and NO KID REALLY LIKES THEM.

3. The fucking unicorn toy that impales his foot. Now only a parent can understand the pain of stepping on a children's toy. Once I was running to my daughters room following her screams "mommmmmeeee I'm sickkkkkkk...". and in a matter of seconds I had stepped on a Lego, which instantly became imbedded in the soul of my foot. On my way down to the floor to curl up in the fetal position and cuss this primitive torture they call "parenthood"  I managed to turn on the light. Lucky for me it was just in time to see my daughter's head rotate 360 degrees and spew vomit across the room. On the positive side, I can now just attach tiny wheels to the bottom of my foot. 

4. He is a real person...an actor underneath that soul crushing wig and satanic suit. He probably had dreams of being in an epic war film or having a stint on broadway, but no his first real paying gig is at 35 and its as a clown for Walmart.

Homeboy needs a smoke break, no matter how you toss the dice. 

I've never been on a smoke break fantasy or real with a "real" clown before, its like going to Europe or eating calamari...you never real knew that you wanted to do it until you realized that all the cool kids were~now its on the ol bucket list.

Last night I drank 3 Newcastles, a half bottle of Vodka, a couple margaritas and then I ate some exotic fish dip. It was a family party or else I might of drank a bit more. There was a baby crawling around partying in the mix, and as I sat in my chair in some sort of trance I thought to myself, this is what it must feel like to be on hallucinogenics.  I've never explored the world of LSD, Cocaine, or Mushrooms. By the time I was old enough to go through a proper drug phase, I was pregnant so I missed out on that milestone. Ever so often I eat or drink a combination that takes me to a different time and place.... a whole other level if you will.  I like to imagine that I'm having a flashback during these times.

Ironically it is during these moments that I also long for the ability to go on a smoke break.  As I watched the baby crawl by me  last night, I started thinking about the song from Labyrinth: Dance Baby Dance.  My family totally resembled the weird creatures in the movie and there was ME as David Bowie. With a twelve inch moose knuckle, and an adorable baby crawling around. I don't know why I picture myself as the king, maybe its because I could grow a sweet mullet if I chose to. 

Or maybe its the blouse. I don't own a pirate blouse, but should I?

Anyway the song was in my head for the rest of the night until this morning. Some people say Mr. Bowie makes a reference to cocaine in the song.... watch and  decide.

After I watched this vid a few hundred times this morning, I decided that David Bowie is the perfect person to go on my first Fantasy Smoke Break of 2010. Seriously can you EVEN IMAGINE the stories he could tell? Is there a better person to ask about the illicit use of drugs? I THINK NOT.

Dance Baby Dance.

Today I would like to go on a fantasy smoke break with none other than Levi Johnston AKA: Sarah Palin's Grand-baby's daddy.

He's been in the news a lot lately. First he went to some awards show with Kathy Griffin, and now he is going to pose for playgirl. There was a lot of talk of whether or not he would show the peen. NOW ITS OFFICIAL, he's totally going to let the world gaze upon his fertile wand.

I for one couldn't be more pleased. I haven't seen a playgirl worth buying since I was babysitting in high school and I came accross one with Brett Michaels in it. I invited all my friends over while we dissected the issue, and ate all of the food in the house. Parents hide your porn, the babysitters are looking for it.

Anywhoo, the question of whether or not he is packing will be answered by the holiday issue, tis the rumor. Also he has been getting ready for his issue by hitting the gym and eating a lot of high protein low fat moose meat. No word on whether or not he plans on using a penis pump.

I'm pretty sure Levi has smoked a time or two, so I don't think the concept of smoking is as foreign to him as the concept of birth control. While on our break I would ask him the following questions:

1. Are you a real person?

2. Are you ever scared that Sarah Palin is standing outside your window in full camo watching you through the sites of her rifle?

3. If you could impregnate another politicians child, which one would it be?

4. When your son is older, are you going to teach him the fine art of famewhoring?

Thats about all I would ask him...the rest will be answered in the pages of PLAYGIRL.

God bless America.

This song goes out to you Levi Johnston, mostly because I will take any excuse I get to post this video...

Today I would like to take a fantasy smoke break with someone who I feel would understand me. When I quit smoking the hardest part is always not having that little break during the day to hang out. Its so hard to just sit at your desk and watch them walk by, knowing all the while you will be missing a hilarious story, a in depth discussion about a new tv show, or some great office gossip~oh and there is that whole hit of nicotine thing. Talk about torture.

The best smoke break friends understand you. There is no judgement on a smoke break between smokers. Its hard to judge a person who is sitting out in the 2 degree weather sucking on a cancer stick with you. Thats not to say that there is no judgement at all....um yeah, it scares me to think about what they say about me now that...., I'm not even going to begin to imagine. I admit I'm not always the best smoke break conversationalist, I talk to much, forget about the time constraints, always go for the cheap laugh. I'm guessing I'm not missed.

Oh well lets not board the paranoia train today.

Instead lets take an imaginary smoke break with a national treasure: Frank The Tank.

My party animal days came a lot later than the average person. This is due to the fact that I had 3 kids by the time I was 25, so my entire twenties were spent wading through baby shit and praying for a miracle. Anyway the miracle came in the form of a divorce, and then OMIGOD all the sudden I had every other weekend OFF. AN ENTIRE TWO DAYS, TO MYSELF. ONLY ONE ASS TO WIPE. Unless you've been through it, there is NO way you can possibly understand the feeling of pleasure and release,  and the subsequent chaos that ensued. 

Think about the movie Shaw Shank Redemption crossed with Coyote Ugly, and that will give you an accurate portrayal of my twenties.

Frank is the same way. He is just inhibited by his wife's desire to change him into a respectable man, when deep down inside he is a party animal. 

I would discuss this with him on a smoke break. Then we would totally do keg stands and go streaking.