Fantasy Smoke Break: Suri Cruise

I haven't had a fantasy smoke break in over a week. 

I feel like it's important to say that it isn't because I don't need one. I've been so busy that I don't have the time that I normally do to fantasize about smoking. So weird. Maybe this whole blogging thing is actually working. Or, maybe its the meds...the world will never know. So all of you who have been writing me emails accusing me of neglecting my fake smoking habit, sorry. I'm so sorry.

Normally I wouldn't choose a small child as a partner on a smoke break. After all, many, many people go on smoke breaks with the specific desire of ditching small children. In fact, the "smoking" area at most establishments  is almost guaranteed to be kid free. Its part of the appeal...

Suri isn't a regular kid though. She has to put up with a lot of shit. When the paps aren't in her face harassing her and burning her corneas with their camera flashes, her parents are dressing her like one of the golden girls. Its a hard life. 

The kid has earned the right to have at least a couple of 15 minute breaks. If you ask me the kid kind of got the shaft in the parent department. The Cruises are weird and not just the garden variety type of weird. Sometimes weird parents can be a blessing. I had a couple of friends whose parents grew pot and loved being naked and having sex all the time. In grade school I was uncomfortable staying at these people's houses. By the time I was in high school, I could only wish that I would turn out so cool. However; Tom and Katie are the creepy parents with matching haircuts. Everyone knows that parents with matching hair sleep in separate beds and only serve "healthy" snacks -and that is never cool.

 I didn't find them creepy in the beginning, sure jumping on the couch with Oprah was over the top. I also recall seeing a little man making out with a six foot teenager that used to be on Dawson's Creek at some sort of red carpet event. That seemed like a normal publicity stunt.

Then there is the whole Scientology thing, I haven't studied the religion intensely, but I do know that they don't allow antidepressants. (When I join my first cult I need them to have loose parameters when it comes to booze, antidepressants, and swearing.) All of those things weren't really strange to me, I'm not going to lie, I never understood all the fuss.

Then one day they got married and Katie just stopped talking. It was like she traded her voice to Ursula so that she could mary the vertically challenged prince of Scientology land. It was when Katie lost her voice and cut her hair like Tom's when I was like woah, this shit IS messed up. In one final act of insanity Katie recently wore pegged jeans out in public, I've had a special place in my heart for Suri ever since.

So Suri, I chose you today. You've earned a break from fame-whoring, barley water, paparazzi, bad movies, and helping your Father pretend like he likes those other two kids he has...

And in this fantasy Suri doesn't actually smoke. She sits in a chair and eats pounds and pounds of McDonalds fries while I cut her bangs. The song "Take My Breath Away" starts playing in the background, and we look out the window to see Katie staring at us mouth-open, silently screaming.