You can tell he's the type of guy that would be perfect to go on a smoke break with. There is no way Shorty would whine about his boss and bitch of a girl friend he IS THE BOSS, and probably has ho's for days. Also you can just tell he's the type of guy who will take a long lunch on a Tuesday afternoon complete with cocktails... and lets face it~ that's the kind of friend we all need.  

(You can read more about him here, but I added this quote from Animal Planet's write up, just to give you an idea.)

Shorty is a workaholic by nature; therefore, he doesn’t have much spare time for socializing. When in social settings, he often surrounds himself with people of all backgrounds in his home in Los Angeles and his second home in Mexico, where he also spends a lot of time promoting pit bull awareness. Shorty has a special place in his heart for his employees Ashley, Sebastian and Ronald, who are all little people. Shorty loves cigars, wine, and relaxing with friends and his five pit bulls.

If you aren't watching this show, you need to be ashamed of yourself. 

If I found myself lucky enough to go on a fantasy smoke break with Shorty Rossi, here are the questions I would ask him:

1. Tell me about the incident that got you thrown into jail for 10 years, that had to be some REALLY crazy shit.

2. Can you please let me go out with you and your crew just once?....I have a feeling you have more fun than I do.

3. What kind of cigars do you smoke?

4. This is more of a suggestion than a question but, please fire Ronald and hire me.

 Here is Shorty on Jimmy Kimmel.  

This is perhaps the most disturbing, yet intriguing commercial since Nannerpuss. This guy needs a smoke break for a couple of reasons:

1. His wife thought it would be a good idea for him to dress up like a pedophile and "entertain" a  bunch of kids. Clearly she HATES children.

2. He did it. Despite,  KNOWING that clowns are the scariest creatures on the planet, and NO KID REALLY LIKES THEM.

3. The fucking unicorn toy that impales his foot. Now only a parent can understand the pain of stepping on a children's toy. Once I was running to my daughters room following her screams "mommmmmeeee I'm sickkkkkkk...". and in a matter of seconds I had stepped on a Lego, which instantly became imbedded in the soul of my foot. On my way down to the floor to curl up in the fetal position and cuss this primitive torture they call "parenthood"  I managed to turn on the light. Lucky for me it was just in time to see my daughter's head rotate 360 degrees and spew vomit across the room. On the positive side, I can now just attach tiny wheels to the bottom of my foot. 

4. He is a real person...an actor underneath that soul crushing wig and satanic suit. He probably had dreams of being in an epic war film or having a stint on broadway, but no his first real paying gig is at 35 and its as a clown for Walmart.

Homeboy needs a smoke break, no matter how you toss the dice. 

I've never been on a smoke break fantasy or real with a "real" clown before, its like going to Europe or eating calamari...you never real knew that you wanted to do it until you realized that all the cool kids were~now its on the ol bucket list.

Last night I drank 3 Newcastles, a half bottle of Vodka, a couple margaritas and then I ate some exotic fish dip. It was a family party or else I might of drank a bit more. There was a baby crawling around partying in the mix, and as I sat in my chair in some sort of trance I thought to myself, this is what it must feel like to be on hallucinogenics.  I've never explored the world of LSD, Cocaine, or Mushrooms. By the time I was old enough to go through a proper drug phase, I was pregnant so I missed out on that milestone. Ever so often I eat or drink a combination that takes me to a different time and place.... a whole other level if you will.  I like to imagine that I'm having a flashback during these times.

Ironically it is during these moments that I also long for the ability to go on a smoke break.  As I watched the baby crawl by me  last night, I started thinking about the song from Labyrinth: Dance Baby Dance.  My family totally resembled the weird creatures in the movie and there was ME as David Bowie. With a twelve inch moose knuckle, and an adorable baby crawling around. I don't know why I picture myself as the king, maybe its because I could grow a sweet mullet if I chose to. 

Or maybe its the blouse. I don't own a pirate blouse, but should I?

Anyway the song was in my head for the rest of the night until this morning. Some people say Mr. Bowie makes a reference to cocaine in the song.... watch and  decide.

After I watched this vid a few hundred times this morning, I decided that David Bowie is the perfect person to go on my first Fantasy Smoke Break of 2010. Seriously can you EVEN IMAGINE the stories he could tell? Is there a better person to ask about the illicit use of drugs? I THINK NOT.

Dance Baby Dance.

He's been in the news a lot lately. First he went to some awards show with Kathy Griffin, and now he is going to pose for playgirl. There was a lot of talk of whether or not he would show the peen. NOW ITS OFFICIAL, he's totally going to let the world gaze upon his fertile wand.

I for one couldn't be more pleased. I haven't seen a playgirl worth buying since I was babysitting in high school and I came accross one with Brett Michaels in it. I invited all my friends over while we dissected the issue, and ate all of the food in the house. Parents hide your porn, the babysitters are looking for it.

Anywhoo, the question of whether or not he is packing will be answered by the holiday issue, tis the rumor. Also he has been getting ready for his issue by hitting the gym and eating a lot of high protein low fat moose meat. No word on whether or not he plans on using a penis pump.

I'm pretty sure Levi has smoked a time or two, so I don't think the concept of smoking is as foreign to him as the concept of birth control. While on our break I would ask him the following questions:

1. Are you a real person?

2. Are you ever scared that Sarah Palin is standing outside your window in full camo watching you through the sites of her rifle?

3. If you could impregnate another politicians child, which one would it be?

4. When your son is older, are you going to teach him the fine art of famewhoring?

Thats about all I would ask him...the rest will be answered in the pages of PLAYGIRL.

God bless America.

This song goes out to you Levi Johnston, mostly because I will take any excuse I get to post this video...

The best smoke break friends understand you. There is no judgement on a smoke break between smokers. Its hard to judge a person who is sitting out in the 2 degree weather sucking on a cancer stick with you. Thats not to say that there is no judgement at all....um yeah, it scares me to think about what they say about me now that...., I'm not even going to begin to imagine. I admit I'm not always the best smoke break conversationalist, I talk to much, forget about the time constraints, always go for the cheap laugh. I'm guessing I'm not missed.

Oh well lets not board the paranoia train today.

Instead lets take an imaginary smoke break with a national treasure: Frank The Tank.

My party animal days came a lot later than the average person. This is due to the fact that I had 3 kids by the time I was 25, so my entire twenties were spent wading through baby shit and praying for a miracle. Anyway the miracle came in the form of a divorce, and then OMIGOD all the sudden I had every other weekend OFF. AN ENTIRE TWO DAYS, TO MYSELF. ONLY ONE ASS TO WIPE. Unless you've been through it, there is NO way you can possibly understand the feeling of pleasure and release,  and the subsequent chaos that ensued. 

Think about the movie Shaw Shank Redemption crossed with Coyote Ugly, and that will give you an accurate portrayal of my twenties.

Frank is the same way. He is just inhibited by his wife's desire to change him into a respectable man, when deep down inside he is a party animal. 

I would discuss this with him on a smoke break. Then we would totally do keg stands and go streaking.

Maybe you live under a rock. Maybe you don't watch TV. Or maybe your one of those healthy types who don't pound a lot of beer or eat onion rings... If any of these scenarios describe you, you may not know who the "Most Interesting Man" is or what he drinks.

However; if you have seen the Dos Equis commercials you know who I am talking about, and you know that these commercials are fucking hilarious. 

I've been wanting to have a fantasy smoke break with Most Interesting Man for a long time. To me he is the love child of Hanibal Lector and Sean Connery, raised by frat boys.  I love him.

I'm pretty sure he would smoke cigars, and we would have to have our break in some exotic locale. He makes the perfect smoke break  partner because he does not ask a lot of questions, does not care, and has an appetite for hedonistic pursuits. The potential for him leaving you to conduct a threesome or shoot large game is high, but thats the chance you take when you decide to hang with a illustriously titled man.

Its pretty obvious that this guy behind Wonder Woman just got back from pounding one out in the bathroom. He's now having a post self exploratory smoke break. I don't blame the guy though, it would be hard to control yourself if your job was to watch Wonder Woman's star spangled ass all day.

The poor guy probably works on Grey's Anatomy now, and his peen has shriveled up from lack of stimulation. Nobody jacks to Ellen Pompeo wearing scrubs, its just McBoring.  

If I could go on a fantasy smoke break with this guy, I would want it to be on the set of Wonder Woman. This was a time when people could smoke at work and popular TV shows featured super hero's. Now TV is so boring, every show is about relationship challenged doctors or cops. There is no ass kicking, no sweet outfits, no smoking on set. No wonder the writers went on strike. 

I had a wonder woman outfit as a child. I'm guessing not to many kids are running around in their "Law and Order SVU" underroos. It's a travesty.

So today, lets all visualize a workplace where women can frolic in patriotic granny panties and the men can enjoy a cigarette as they watch. Kind of beats sitting in a cube pretending not to surf the net.

Seriously, who wouldn't want to go on a smoke break with the sexiest smoker that has ever inappropriately slapped random ass? Men want to be him, and women want him. 

Any man who is in his seventies, walks around with a constant boner, and smokes while back floating is killing me softly with his song...

Thats why I pick Jack, for my favorite smoker of all time. 

You can just tell that Jack is the kind of smoker who doesn't give a shit about second hand smoke or rules, or stupid pesky social convention. I think I love him.

I have had a fantasy about smoking a cigarette with Jack Nicholson since the Witches of Eastwick. Even though I was just a tender soul at age 12, I knew that he had a special kind of swagger that drives women crazy. I wasn't sure why, but as I grew older I realized that it was because he was dark, brooding, and probably had at least a 10 inch cock. 

To make a long story short though, a fantasy smoke break with Jack Nicholson would be a risk... if you were to spend any time alone with Jack,  you risk the probability of love, sex, addiction, pregnancy, heartbreak, and possibly institutionalization. 

Thats a risk that I would be willing to take...

I don't know if Ice T smokes, but I know his wife must be smoking something.  I want to know what it is!

In a recent interview she was asked what the "secret" to keeping her marriage strong is. 

I know, I know, it seems so obvious she is the owner of the world's finest camel toe and an ex-porn star to boot. What in the hell else does Ice need? Apparently, a whole lot more. .

Here are Coco's tips to keeping your man happy.

Make him a cold drink
Cook him his favorite food
Give him a body rub
Dress in his favorite outfit or item
Draw him a bath
Watch all his favorite shows for a night
Play video games with him
And finally, kiss or lick his feet. Hehe- LOL. - very optional

See. Do you see why I must go on a fantasy smoke break with them? I have to know if she is lying.

Because if she isn't my marriage is fucked. I don't know how to cook. I will never surrender the TV. Even far more troubling is the fact that if  I licked my husbands feet he'd probably kick me in the teeth thinking that it was one of our dogs.

I was hoping for an easy answer like "blow jobs" or separate bank accounts. 

The real question here is: what does Ice T have to do to keep her happy? Put the vaseline in her jeans before she puts them on? 

Now that I really think about it; I'm pretty sure they smoke the green....and I don't know if I could bring myself to smoke out with such an intimidating camel toe staring me in the eyes.

Is there anything else she should add to the list? What are your secrets?

I feel like it's important to say that it isn't because I don't need one. I've been so busy that I don't have the time that I normally do to fantasize about smoking. So weird. Maybe this whole blogging thing is actually working. Or, maybe its the meds...the world will never know. So all of you who have been writing me emails accusing me of neglecting my fake smoking habit, sorry. I'm so sorry.

Normally I wouldn't choose a small child as a partner on a smoke break. After all, many, many people go on smoke breaks with the specific desire of ditching small children. In fact, the "smoking" area at most establishments  is almost guaranteed to be kid free. Its part of the appeal...

Suri isn't a regular kid though. She has to put up with a lot of shit. When the paps aren't in her face harassing her and burning her corneas with their camera flashes, her parents are dressing her like one of the golden girls. Its a hard life. 

The kid has earned the right to have at least a couple of 15 minute breaks. If you ask me the kid kind of got the shaft in the parent department. The Cruises are weird and not just the garden variety type of weird. Sometimes weird parents can be a blessing. I had a couple of friends whose parents grew pot and loved being naked and having sex all the time. In grade school I was uncomfortable staying at these people's houses. By the time I was in high school, I could only wish that I would turn out so cool. However; Tom and Katie are the creepy parents with matching haircuts. Everyone knows that parents with matching hair sleep in separate beds and only serve "healthy" snacks -and that is never cool.

 I didn't find them creepy in the beginning, sure jumping on the couch with Oprah was over the top. I also recall seeing a little man making out with a six foot teenager that used to be on Dawson's Creek at some sort of red carpet event. That seemed like a normal publicity stunt.

Then there is the whole Scientology thing, I haven't studied the religion intensely, but I do know that they don't allow antidepressants. (When I join my first cult I need them to have loose parameters when it comes to booze, antidepressants, and swearing.) All of those things weren't really strange to me, I'm not going to lie, I never understood all the fuss.

Then one day they got married and Katie just stopped talking. It was like she traded her voice to Ursula so that she could mary the vertically challenged prince of Scientology land. It was when Katie lost her voice and cut her hair like Tom's when I was like woah, this shit IS messed up. In one final act of insanity Katie recently wore pegged jeans out in public, I've had a special place in my heart for Suri ever since.

So Suri, I chose you today. You've earned a break from fame-whoring, barley water, paparazzi, bad movies, and helping your Father pretend like he likes those other two kids he has...

And in this fantasy Suri doesn't actually smoke. She sits in a chair and eats pounds and pounds of McDonalds fries while I cut her bangs. The song "Take My Breath Away" starts playing in the background, and we look out the window to see Katie staring at us mouth-open, silently screaming.