DEAR SANTA

Words: 818

Single in Sandpoint: Scarlette’s Christmas wish list

Dear Santa,

     I would like to start off by saying that I have been a very – okay, I mean pretty – well, compared to a lot of other people – good girl this year.

     For one thing, I always wear underwear when dressed in a skirt/mini dress. I don’t drink and drive, I limit my usage of the F-word, I call my mother regularly and I don’t date other people’s husbands. In some circles I could be considered a saint.
     I know you think that I ask for the same thing every year, so this year I won’t bother with the same old request. I swear.

     But I wonder, are you afraid I’m not responsible enough to have one? Do you think I won’t let it outside enough or give it food and water? I mean that’s why I wanted an older one that has a job and all its shots.

     Well, anyway, since you’ve refused to grant me my Christmas wish for the last decade, I’ll assume this year’s no different. Thanks for putting me in the same category as all those city kids who ask for ponies every year. (I could insert an obvious comparison here, but this is a letter to Santa.)

     But I digress; I’m just here to give you some gift-giving ideas not only for myself, but for all the single people of Bonner County. In case you didn’t know, I’m speaking on their behalf. That’s how good of a girl I am. (Not completely selfish, basically a public servant to an underprivileged sect of society.)

     You see those of us single in Sandpoint are not lazy, per say, we don’t expect you to hand deliver us a member of the opposite sex; we’re more than happy to do our own leg work. Unfortunately because of our geographical misfortune (in terms of population), we lack opportunities. So this year, on behalf of my single compatriots, I’m asking for a decent opportunity to socialize with one another.

     The following is a list of gift suggestions that could help bring that about, just in case you were wondering what to get the good Single in Sandpoint boys and girls this year:

1. A professional sports team.

     I’m thinking football or Hockey. I’m not really picky, but the team needs to be big in order to provide the local women with more opportunities. This would be good for the single men, too, as a little competition would perhaps get them to step up their game. No more camouflage or Carhart evening wear.

2. A Hooters.

     Just to be fair, I suggest this to go with the pro team. I’m not going to lie; it’s not completely unselfish, I haven’t had good hot wings in months and I don’t care if a half-naked, big-haired harlot serves them to me or not. In fact, I think downtown Sandpoint needs a good sports bar. Really bad. That’s one thing I truly miss from the big city.  Surprisingly, I don’t miss wine bars, maybe that’s because we have about 900 of them. Seriously, I don’t know how they all stay in business. Oh wait, yes I do; by charging $12 a glass. That’s how.

3. A (real) mall.

     It doesn’t have to be a giant, modern glass-encased hub of consumerism (though I’m not against that). Actually, if you could just fill the nearly empty mall that already exists with some more stores – let’s say a couple more that someone under 50 would shop in – that would work. Such as the GAP; I mean, they cater to men, women and children. Just because we live in North Idaho doesn’t mean that we don’t like to shop. I don’t know how many times I can repeat this.

4. A YMCA or 24 Hour Fitness.

     People shouldn’t have their opportunities to seek co-ed fitness limited to one place. I mean, I’m glad there are a lot of “women’s fitness” centers here, but if I’m paying hundreds of dollars to work out somewhere, I want more bang for my buck. I want the opportunity to meet other people (read: men) who are active, and if I want to take basket weaving, snorkeling and modern dance, it would be nice to be able to do it all in one place. We’re definitely lacking a community center. And quite frankly, the fairgrounds don’t cut it for a gymnasium. We need a city rec. center equipped with a pool and a gym. Please Santa, I know a lot of people who would be stoked about this.

     I’m leaving my list fairly small this year, in hopes that you will consider each item carefully.

     Meanwhile, if you have any cute, house-trained and well behaved you-know-whats in your sleigh, you know my address.

     Hope You Have the Best Holiday Season Ever!

The Hardly Ever Naughty,

Scarlette Quille