DATING ADVICE

People send me freaky pictures like these all the time. So I figure, these guys could use some advice! Check out an older peice I did for the READER, giving advice to some ill-advised would be daters! Advise was compiled from a highly compelling fleet of semi professionals and a group of friends and people who read my column, enjoy.

Romance Rules:

1. Don’t Take Your Date to FAST FOOD (unless it is for post-sex ice cream). In fact never, ever, take a date to fast food unless you have been together for at least six months and you are both broke and hung-over. No one but your 4-year-old niece is impressed by the Golden Arches.
2. Do not “text” someone out; it’s not okay. It is a totally wussy way of actually initiating a date. In that same vein, you shouldn’t ask someone out over MySpace. Same principal: If you can’t look them in the eye before the date, you shouldn’t be dating them at all.
3. Keep a first date lighthearted and fun, not a time to share all of your emotional and/or previous dating baggage. Romance is not therapy (unless you’re dating your shrink, which is a whole other issue. Not a good idea, by the way).
4. If you are going to wear your brand new wranglers (complete with pressed creases) out of the privacy of your own home and on a date, don’t call your him or her “babe”; it’s freaking over the top, okay?
5. It’s getting closer to summer, and if you’re going to wear shorts, lose the socks and make sure you’re not wearing a pink cropped t-shirt that says “30 and Dirty.” The aforementioned outfit will not get you laid. However, and example of this outfit is in my digital photo album (along with countless pics of spectacular mullets from around the U.S. and particularly stunning shots of assorted Ass Cleavage).
6. Apparently large group dates are very successful for meeting your future spouse. The success rate is multiplied when four of the members of the dating posse get consumption tickets. That little run in with the law can start the burning of an eternal flame (the lady who contributed this advice has been married for five years). That said, try to avoid crimes that lead to incarceration.
7. Avoid taking your date to your favorite bar. You don’t want them to be able to find you if things don’t work out.
8. Don’t date siblings (your own included).
9. I have said it once and I will say it again: If you are looking for a potential date or going on a date DO NOT WEAR CAMOFLAUGE. And take the deer carcass out of the back of your truck before picking your intended.
10. If you have even a shred of dignity do not call someone more than twice without a return phone call. If they are not calling you back accept it and move on. You will go from the “nice guy who I just wasn’t attracted to” to the “fiendish stalker who just can’t take a hint” before you can hit redial.
11. A very important first date rule: Do not introduce your date as your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” In fact, don’t even say those words on a first date; they are the improvised explosive devices of polite conversation.
12. Other conversation topics to avoid while on a date: your weapon collection, hair removal, bodily functions, road kill, mathematics, your high school sports career and things your mom does better than every other woman.
13. Do not cry under any circumstance (unless you are bleeding from the mouth).
14. Do not re-date someone; it’s just not a good idea. Would you take a shirt back to the store because it doesn’t fit, then go back and try to buy it again because the new replacement shirt looked bad on you too? No. You would continue to search for a piece of apparel that complimented you and purchase it. Enough said.
15. Also, another thing: Don’t ask if it is “okay” to kiss your date. I know this is controversial, but can't we just go by body language? You lean + I lean = we kiss. You lean + I try to get as far from you as possible = we don’t kiss.
16. Speaking of kissing, that first one has to be good. If you’re going in for the first kiss, my good friend, who is also a very successful dater (doesn’t own an excessive amount of cats and goes out on weeknights), made these suggestions:
a. Make sure your breath is fresh.
b. Make sure you match the speed of the person you are kissing (tongue action as well).
c. Minimize tongue thrusting; it just shows that you’re no good in bed.
d. Strike a “slobber balance” – too much is gross and none is weird.
e. If you experience a bad first kiss RUN RUN RUN.
17. Perhaps the most important advice of all: “Be Prepared.” Steel yourself for anything from man-purses, to projectile vomit. Keep your wits about you, know where the exits are and don’t be afraid use them. The only thing worse than a bad date is one that lasted way too long.

Now, with your new-found understanding and dating resolve, hit the streets. Follow the rules, walk the line and you’ll come out ahead.

Staying hydrated,

Scarlette Quille