Doctors & Ass Tubes & Bears, Oh My!!!

The following story I am about to tell is true. I swear.

I received a phone call yesterday from one of my good friends, I've known her since 7th grade, and she is married to another childhood friend of mine.  Because they are the thinnest fittest people I know I will name them Dan and Roseanne.

Any way, Roseanne had been having this really god awful pain in her side for about a week. When she bent over it hurt, when she sat too long, it hurt. She couldn't figure out the source of this pain, and so she did what any normal North Idaho Native would do and she went out drinking. It is probably important that we note here that Roseanne and Dan live in the outskirts of Seattle in suburbia, they do not live in Sandpoint anymore...

Roseanne, was sitting in a booth knocking back martini after martini, when the mysterious pain commenced. This time it was too intense to ignore. She knew it had to be bad because she could feel it through the martinis. She rose from the table and announced through teary eyes that she needed to go home. Her friend, I will call her Aunt Jackie, decided that it was more appropriate to drive Roseanne to the ER than home.

Upon arriving at the ER, Roseanne called Dan, hoping for sympathy or at least low grade worry. Instead, Dan inquired on whether or not he really needed to go there at this hour (11pm). Roseanne assured him in only a way a wife can (probably something to do with a life of celibacy) that he better get his ass to the hospital. So Dan complied.

Back at the hospital the doctors were having an issue figuring out what the problem was. The ultra sound technician was out for the evening, and the only option was to give Roseanne a CAT scan and a pregnancy test.

At this point Roseanne didn't know what would be worse being pregnant or having a ruptured spleen. The pregnancy test came back negative, and the doctors decided to explain the next step. Apparently getting that particular version of a CAT scan involved the flooding of your organs with day-glow dye. Roseanne was ok with this, the pain was unbearable. The next step how ever involved the insertion of a "tube with a balloon at the end of it" up her anus. Once in place the doctors inflate the balloon and then the special dye doesn't drip out. 

It was about the time of the balloon/anal tube insertion Dan walked in. He looked horrible. Roseanne had a minor sense of glee, because she believed that Dan was obviously beside himself with concern. She asked him: What is wrong?

Dan Replied: I hit a bear, it fucked up my car. It was horrible.

Now you people in big metropolitan areas think you have a dangerous life with your muggers and pyramid scammers...you have no idea what it is like to have the fear of a large suicidal forest animal hurling its body in front of your car. This is a scary fact of life for those of us who live in the Pacific Northwest.

Roseanne reacting like only a person with an ass tube can, was irate. A fight ensued. Aunt Jackie was hysterical at this point, on one side of her there was a tired, confused bear murderer and the other was her partially drunk friend with an ass tube. You just can't write comedy like that.

As my friend relayed this story to me, I went alternately from extreme laughter, to concern, to laughter, to OMIGOD "What happened to the bear? How is your ass? What is wrong with you?"

For those of you with the same questions, here are the answers.

The bear is most likely dead, Dan did not go off into the woods in the dark to look for an injured bear. 

Her ass is a bit sore, but she assured me that the doctor was at least generous with the lube.

Roseanne is fine, but she did have a cyst rupture inside her body.

Aunt Jackie, is resting comfortably after a crippling fit of laughter.