BATHROOM ETIQUETTE 101

I've been wanting to write a column about this for a very long time; however, I held off for fear that I would get in trouble from my employer.  Now, I don't have an employer so I am free to tell it like it is.  

This Is For My Corporate Whores:

Parents or Schools need to teach from a very young age bathroom etiquette. I first became aware of this at my old job. There was an office bathroom with four stalls. The first being right next to the sink, and the other three right after it, with the big handicapped stall at the end of the row next to the wall.  It is an unspoken rule that if you are going to shit at work, you really should do it in the farthest stall from the sink. That way, people don't have to stand in your shit storm as they wash their hands, or perhaps brush their teeth.  Also they won't go out into the office and tell all their cubical mates about your stank ass.

Another suggestion would be that if you have explosive diarhea than you really should chose a stall farthest away from the sink, or better yet go home. And while your at it quit doing all that organic colon cleansing nonsense when you have work the next day, its not right to shit 3 or 4 times in work day. And again, people will talk about you and perhaps give you a nick name.

Next, the toliet is not a great place to take a nap. I heard rumors all the  time that there were people in the office that slept on the toilet. I never believed them, until one day I walked into a seemingly empty restroom, and sat down half way through my tinkle I heard a freaky noise. It sounded a lot like snoring. I couldn't resist looking under the stall to see if someone was really in there and sure enough, there was a pair of flip flops that weren't going anywhere (and I'm the one who gets laid off, right?). I don't really have anything against taking a nap during work hours, but on the toilet? Why not in your car like a normal person? Trust me if you get caught napping on the toilet you will be the butt of the offices jokes for an eternity. You see, its true I don't even work there anymore and I am talking about it.

The last point I am going to discuss is bathroom conversation. If you start a conversation with a coworker while walking into the bathroom, it should cease once you are in the stalls. I'm sorry but coworkers just don't know each other well enough to carry on conversations while wiping.  Also don't wait for the person to finish so you can resume talking, if they haven't came out while you were washing your hands they don't want to talk to you. They probably would like to dump in peace and quiet. Or maybe they have a stage fright and your incessant chatter is actually causing them pain and discomfort. 

Other bathroom activities that will land you smack in the middle of the latest gossip are: not washing your hands, obscenely long grooming rituals, and puking up your lunch. 

God it feels good to get that off my chest....