Cheaters. Blech...

So I am trying to get out of this funk with the whole Jesse James is a dirt bag revelation. Why? Why did you have to do it Jesse? 

I haven't posted about Tiger and his ho's because I'm going to be honest with ya'll here. I don't like cheaters. I don't. I don't give a shit if they are married to the most frigid bitch on earth, thats what they invented divorce for. 

I'm not the kind of person who finds it possible to forgive an asshole for fucking around. I don't care if they have a solid gold peen, I'm not down. I'm not religious enough to believe that you work on a marriage NO MATTER WHAT, and I'm not about to let my kids grow up thinking that its OK to let a man treat you like a doormat in the name of marriage. If that makes me a bad person. OH-FUCKING-WELL.

So every time I hear these stories about people cheating on their spouses, it irritates me.  When I hear that their wives are going to take them back, it shocks me.  So when people send me links about how I should cover Tiger's sext messages and blah, blah, blah.... I don't.

Ok, internet? I just don't really do stories on cheating because I don't think its funny. Behind every mistress and man whore is a person who feels like the caviar they've been eating for the duration of their relationship was actually a shit on a stick. A person who is embarrassed, horrified, and in terrible pain...and on top of that they have to bathe in a tub of bleach to kill the germs harbored by whores who go around doing it to people's husbands.

All right, now I'm going to go watch the Hangover back to back to get over this foul mood. Holla.

COUGARS UNITE AND FIGHT.

This is a bunch of total bull shit. Carnival Cruise line hated on horny middle aged women this week when it canceled its Cougar Cruise. I've never heard of such a magical voyage but apparently it exists, and now we are going to have to start campaigning for COUGAR RIGHTS, because they are being discriminated against.

 According to the www.postchronicle.com :

Cubs and cougars are not allowed...and we don't mean animals. According to reports, a sexually charged cruise for young men to meet old hot babes has been cancelled.

A singles group specializing in amorous encounters for older women and younger men said Miami'sCarnival Cruise Lines rejected a requested event.

Rich Gosse, executive producer of CougarEvents.com and chairman of The Society of Single Professionals, said the group's travel agent, SinglesTravelCompany.com, was told by the cruise line that the group's previous "cougars and cubs" cruise would be its last with Carnival, The Miami Herald reported Tuesday.

 Seriously? Isn't every Carnival Cruise full of cougars? I mean why the hell are they alienating their clientele? Everyone knows that horny divorcees go on cruises with the explicit intent on getting laid by a pool boy. Its the circle of life. Why not make it legit, by making sure that everyone knows what the score is?  You know, it is so annoying to cougars when they go on cruises and all the young men are with their parents.

I love that picture of the pissed off cougar.

Any-let-the-cougars-breed-way: what happened on the last Cougar Cruise? Seriously, I HAVE TO KNOW.  If you have any information regarding this  please forward it to me. 

Stop, OK just stop.

So there is the rumor out that "they" are going to remake Thelma and Louise with Leighton Meester and Amber Heard. 

What the fuck? First 90210, then Footloose, and Melrose Place and now this? I'm sorry but is the "writers" strike still going on? Because someone needs to write some new fucking material and leave the Classics out of it. Seriously how do you even come close to reproducing cinematic perfection like this:

According to Moviehole:

Amber Heard (“All The Boys Love Mandy Lane’’) and Leighton Meester (TVs ‘’Gossip Girl’’) will star in a pre-menopausal version of ‘Thelma & Louise’, according to Production Weekly.

Jessica Manafort is attached to direct ‘’Cowgirl Bandits’’, with Paul Schiff producing.
Manafort worked with Heard on the 2007 comedy ‘’Remember the Daze’’. The movie, which Manafort also wrote, revolved around the relationship dynamics of a group of suburban teens on the last day of school in 1999. Heard played a cool “stoner” chick who is looking for direction and meaning in her life.

Heard is known for playing the lead role in the popular but mistreated ”All the Boys Love Mandy Lane”, as well as for her performances in ”The Pineapple Express” and ‘The Informers”. She next appears with Johnny Depp in ”The Rum Diary”.

Meester is best known for her role on CW’s ”Gossip Girl”. She also has a top ten track in the charts at the moment - Good Girls Go Bad.

BAD. BAD. BAD idea. 

Sock Your Favorite Dude In The Nuts...

Today is Man Day.

The idea was started by two Indiana men, Aaron and Joel Longanecker. According to their Facebook event page, there are more than 73,000 planning on celebrating the day. The day is supposed to be a day to "stand up as a man" and "watch Rocky movies all day" and "scratch yourself" and shoot animals. 

Um, I'm pretty sure the men in North Idaho have been celebrating this shit for years, there is no lack of nut scratching animal killers here.

They've added a few things like "be a good father" and "buy your wife flowers". Again, things that a man should do everyday. Well maybe not the flower thing, a good man would bring his wife expensive vodka and/or Starbucks cards. But thats neither here nor there.

To make a long story short though, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

 OH, and here is a video about douche bags, its funny and I believe some how related.

Jon Finally Grows Some Balls...

I hate every show on TLC. A few times I have been very hung over and couldn't find the remote, subsequently I've had to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8. There are several reasons why I don't willingly watch this bullshit. The main reason is because I think it goes against the laws of nature to have more babies than you do tits.. another reason is that I think Kate is the biggest bitch on TV. The kicker is that she has the worse haircut man has ever seen, and every time I see it, I convulse.

Her hair is exactly what would happen if a bowl haircut and a reverse mullet got together and had unprotected sex.

Any way, I am all about strong women. But I can't f-ing stand people who sell their family's privacy and dignity to the highest bidder and then cry about it when it blows up in their money grabbing faces. Kate got rich by abusing her uterus, pimping out her children, and then mind fucking her husband for five years on TV.

Karma is a bitch, and so is Kate. 

That said, every station in the known universe covered the "strained relationship between Kate and Jon" this morning they had psychiatrists, and "experts" weighing in the strain that the media has put on the relationship. They analyzed dialogue etc... bottom line is Jon is sick of her, he wants to ding someone with a decent haircut. He realizes that it isn't a good idea to mary someone who has Satan in their top 5.

Don't get me wrong, Jon is an idiot. He will have to live in a box or get some other insane wench to give birth to 8 children in order to pay even an eighth of the child support he will owe. He should have gotten out long before they decided to have a litter. 

I'm not going to lie, every time I've ever watched the show I silently prayed that Jon would stand up and say "Kate, you are a bitch, there isn't a person on this planet who would blame me for leaving you're psychotic ass. I'm out!"

Its not everyday that one of my fantasies is realized.

Here is Kate, out strolling with her hair and a body guard in case someone tries to attack it.