The Crushing Crusher Gets Crushed.

Note: Sorry to all of you who follow this blog, the last two weeks have required me to wake up at a the ungoldy hour of 4:30 AM on Monday mornings, and just the THOUGHT of waking up that early ruins my entire Sunday. NEVER FEAR though, the torture ended today. And I will be covering the remainder of the episodes in a prompt manner.

OK, so because I didn't post last week, it is important  to know two things:

1. Annie, the strange artist that looks like Blossom, got sent home last week. Why? Because she did an ex rated rap... Apparently Frank and his family have issues with any body but Frank being a pervert.

2. Dana is the new Cuntess of Cuntington on the show. As she completely lost her shit on Melody because Melody doesn't kiss her ass enough.  Also, I'm not sure if they are just editing the shiz out of her conversations with her mother. But it sounds like this mother daughter duo have possibly starred on Jerry Springer....Dana is a complete bitch when Frank and his parents are not around. The other contestants have diagnosed her as having an anger issues.

So now that you are caught up. Episode 8 starts out with a challenge. The girls have to write a "screen play" of what their lives with Frank would be like.

 

This was kind of a dumb challenge. In a nutshell the challenge was based on a game we all played as children. Remember when you were a kid and your extended family all got together? You and your cousins bored to tears, and long before the days of the Nintendo DS, were forced to use your imaginations. Typically this leads to making up plays in a desperate attempt to captivate adult attention. During the performance of these plays the adults all sit and politely watch~knowing that applauding and cheering too hard will just encourage more plays, but ignoring them all together may cause damage to young fragile psyche's... but deep inside the parents are wishing they were at the bottom of a bottle of grey goose...maybe that's just me. Ahem. Regardless, this is the general tone of the challenge. Frank's parent's sit in polite torment as they watch their son's poorly planned and imaginary futures unfold.

Anyway, Melissa the Crusher (if you don't recall her special talent is crushing beer cans between her boobs) tries to be funny by making her play about insane family dynamics and out of control children~it scares Frank and irritates his parents. The other plays were pretty dull~ EXCEPT FOR MY GIRL CATHY'S. Cathy took her play to a another place as she decided to concentrate on her and Frank's love life. By the looks of it, Frank and Cathy will spend their days and nights in the bedroom. GOOD CALL CATHY. Everyone knows that a smart potential wife entraps her prey husband, with masterful sex skills.  Seriously what dude wouldn't want to see a future full of sex with a hot chick?

However, Frank seemed to think Kerry's version of the future was the most um, I don't know. I think he just wanted to take her on a solo date. Her play seemed sort of ass kissy to me. Sorry. Anyway, their date was pretty boring, and their conversation wasn't exactly what I would call deep or lively... 

Back at the house Dana continued to verbally assault Melody at every chance. Even going as far as to question her ability to have children at her advanced age of 35, in front of Frank's parents. Now, Dana, seriously? You think 35 is an old lady? FRANKS IN HIS 30's, for one thing and um, in case you haven't noticed people are having children well into their 40's these days. THEY CAN GET A MAN PREGNANT for GOD SAKES, I'm sure 35 year old woman won't have that much trouble. GROW UP. All the contestants are sick of her and her stank attitude. 

When eliminations come around. Frank takes a poll, asks all of the girls who they think should go home...everyone says Dana, except Dana and Melissa.  Dana of course says Melody, and Melissa in a stupid attempt to be neutral says Felicia?! Now Melissa, you've been playing all sides, talking secret shit, starting fights....this is going to bite you in the crushers. And of course, it does.

Its down to Melissa and Dana for eliminations and Frank essentially keeps Dana around for ratings. I don't think he was ever attracted to Melissa...and he claims to think Dana is hot, honestly I doubt he's interested in either one of them. 

So the crusher is sent back to Minnesota. 

Good Bye Crusher, find yourself a nice pabst swilling country boy. Ya'll would be so much happier together!

 

 

 Ok, so there has been a week off the show, and I have barely blogged in the last week. When will this writer's block stop? When? Maybe today? Maybe...

Oh well back to Frank and his ladies.

The episode starts out essentially as a challenge. Frank is going to throw his parents a 39th Anniversary party. His entire extended family will be there and his potential girlfriend/wife needs to meet them all. The girls get ready for the party by trying to dress conservative. Woe, is the lady who goes on a VH1 reality show and doesn't bother to bring one family friendly outfit. Some borrowing, some tweaking, a little less padding in the bra and the ladies are ready to go.

Melissa and Cathy are really concerned about this challenge because the HAVE to win, as they are the only girls who haven't had alone time or a date with Frank. During the party they have to impress Frank's family and give a speech. After that the family decides who the winner of the challenge is. This was actually boring....except for the part where Frank's entire family (almost) goes on a smoke break and starts talking shit about the girls. Seriously, that's a smoke break I would like to be on. In the end Felicia wins Frank's family over with her MBA, large breasts, and ability to come up with a speech on the spot.

The others are pissed.

This is the episode where Cathy really takes it to the next level. Cathy, is pissed that she has lost yet another challenge. She decides to take matters into her own hands. If she can't win a challenge she will figure out a way to get to Frank. Cathy sneaks out of her room into the basement in the middle of the night. Frank is very HAPPY to see her. Making out ensues. Then they cover the cameras in the room with a blanket and we are left to our imagination. That a girl Cathy, make your own destiny.  Well played.

She sneaks back into her room....OH NO!!! Melissa heard her sneaking around.

Melissa spends the next day telling everyone that Cathy humped Frank's brains out. For some reason most of them are mad at Cathy about this. I mean, isn't it a competition? Did they even have sex? Does it matter if they did? Is it jealousy?  Cathy has to do damage control and tell Frank that Melissa is the one who is telling everyone...Frank is pissed because he doesn't want his Mom to find out.

Hahhahahhahahahahhah.

Sorry.

Well Renee isn't going to take this lying down. AFTER all SHE is the one who loves Frank. She is the one who has planned their wedding and named their children. I've been saying she's crazy for 6 episodes now. At one point I felt guilty. UM NOT ANYMORE. Renee's attempt at winning Frank over involved dressing up as a saloon girl hiding and hiding in his closet with a bottle of whipped cream. WTF.  She was pretty proud of her self, stating that not many people could pull that look off. Well, I don't know the look that she was after, but if it was BAT SHIT CRAZY mission accomplished. Frank was surprised/horrified. So much so that he kicked her off the show.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE WAS MAD AT MELISSA.

Good bye Renee. You were a lot of fun to write about.

 

I'm a little under the weather tonight, and I am just going to get to the point. So I'm not going to do a lot of intro...

The challenge of the day is kids. Frank wants kids & he wants a lady who can handle them. Franks parents tell the girls how much of a little asshole Frank has been his whole life. Apparently they need to take their pent up aggression out on the ladies....cue a bunch of little brats. The brats come in dressed identically to Frank. Its a bunch of little boys about 10 years old or so in age, and after they arrive the Marescas including Frank leave the girls alone with the beasts. Well, clearly the boys were fed crack before they were let loose on the set, because they went ape shit: jumping on shit, taking pictures off the walls, screaming, making fun of the girls etc... I'm sure the producers told these little kids to do these things, and I'm pretty sure this isn't the Maresca's real house...so I don't really feel like the kids are destroying precious heirlooms. However,  the set is supposed to be their real house and the girls are supposed to protect it from the children so obviously this is a disaster.

Most of the girls fair pretty well with the children. There is one kid thats a total brat and the girls keep nagging at him and he doesn't give a rats ass. Most of the girls kept their cool but Christi, lost it and "screamed" at him. I didn't think it was a scream, more of a raised voice. It wasn't like she threatened to kick his little ass or slapped the shit out of him. 

Anyway, in the end the kids liked Kerry and Melody. They hated Christi, and bada bing Kerry and Melody are going on a special bowling date with Frank and his parents and the other girls are going to barbeque with Frank's brother Sal.

This whole episode has a back story of Felicia being a shady wench. First she went and tried to start a rumor that Cathy was dating a celebrity, then she tried to steal a note that Renee wrote to Frank. I understand somewhat trying to sabotage Cathy, as she is competition....but Renee? Felicia you should be ashamed trying to sabotage Renee? She does that to herself, she doesn't need any more help. To top this Shady McShaderson behavior Felicia also tells Frank's brother all about her future as a CFO. Crazy as it sounds  she fails to mention how Frank would fit into her life as a CFO. I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT IS A BIG DEAL.  So she isn't naming their kids! Big deal, right now he has like 9 other girlfriends. I mean, isn't the more alarming point here that a VH1 dating show contestant has serious plans to become a CFO? Why isn't she on the apprentice? OR maybe even Shark Tank? Felicia I'm worried about you, and back off Cathy or I can't continue to blog in your favor.

Also during this barbeque Christi basically tells Sal that she still screws her ex, or maybe their just BFF's. Regardless, she should have just kept her mouth shut. Then Sal tells Frank about Christi's fuck buddy, and Frank confronts her. He is  like call him. Dumb ass Christi calls the ex and lets Frank ask him, the ex says that they "messed around" two weeks before she left for the show. Frank is disgusted, Christi cries.

Now its time for damage control, Cathy has to tell Frank that she is not a celebrity fucker except maybe she would fuck him...Is Frank a celebrity? Once you do him Cathy, you may have to wear the scarlet letter of celebrity fuckery keep that in mind.... And Felicia has to explain to Frank that she is sorry about trying to steal the note, and she would love to be Franks sugar mamma. Frank isn't impressed with this story.

In the end Frank sends Christi home....duh

Ok, so forgive me because my recap is going to be really short compared to usual. Its a holiday weekend and my heart isn't into it today.  I may come off as being a little pissy today, try not to take anything I say too serious. And if you still think I'm a heartless bitch then go check out what other bloggers have to say HERE

In a nutshell: Renee appears to be a complete psycho,  Jennifer used to be a favorite of mine-now she is coming off as vapid~What happened? Tammy quickly turned into a VERY bad stereo type of an Asian person, and Kerry and Cathy are schemers....in fact if it wasn't for their schemery I wouldn't watch the show. Renee is seriously 5 minutes away from a padded room they should probably check her bags for collections of Franks pubes and sweat socks.

The show starts off with a Garage Sale challenge, the girls are split into teams and they have to sell the Maresca's old shit. Who ever makes the most money wins. Highlights of the game: Renee running with a TV and eating shit (that really looked painful), the yellow team giving hand jobs massages for $10, and Ann using actual talent to draw portraits of people and sell them for a buck.

Cathy was on Renee's team and "threw the challenge" so that Renee wouldn't win anymore alone time with Frank. You dirty little vixen Cathy. Good job. The yellow team was called out by Frank's Mom for doing ho shit, and in the end Ann's team won. Ann, Jennifer, and Dana all went on a date with Frank while the others ate dinner with his parents. Two different flavors of meatloaf~in case you were wondering.

Ann is winning me over. The girl is nice. REALLY FUCKING NICE. And you know what? The world needs a little more nice in it. I'm actually starting to like Frank. He's becoming... dare I say a man?  It appears that he is seeing Ann for the really nice person that she is and finally "rewarding her efforts" by making out with her. Oh, and Ann got a ho-make-over this episode.... basically they covered her in bronzer and made her wear a bump it. She looked good. Any way the the ho-look was a hit with Frank. He didn't really pay much attention to Dana or Jennifer, which was shocking to Jennifer because apparently she thinks that boobs and lip gloss being pretty is enough. Jennifer just can't understand why Frank isn't sniffing her ass and bringing her gold nuggets every five.

Note to Jennifer: the dude has 11 other girls serving their coochie's on a golden platter to him, why would he pick the one that he has to hunt down and cook himself? 

In the end though, Frank sent Tammy home. This was because he couldn't understand what she was talking about because of her limited English, mixed with her massage parlor antics, and um...the fact that she likes cup noodles not Italian Sausage. Its too bad she had to go, I was really sort of starting to like her.

Good bye Tammy!!!!