SIS: FACEBOOK PULLS THROUGH WITH INSIGHT

     I started out writing this week’s column with the intention of giving great advice to all the single people out there. Then it sort of dawned on me that I’ve been out of the game for over a year now. What if something has changed? What if somewhere in the last couple of years exciting advances had been made in the Sandpoint dating pool?

     What if?

     Then I’d be writing an article not only as an annoying married person trying to give advice to single people, but – worse yet – an UNINFORMED married person. Sick and wrong. I promised myself I would NEVER become one of those married people who refer to their own single days as a reference for the currently single.

     Married people who do this:  You know who you are. STOP. The single people don't believe you, don't want to, and no it doesn't matter if every bit of advice you’re giving came from the pages of the most current issue of Cosmo – they see your married status as a hindrance.

     The singletons believe you are married because of a stroke of "good" luck. They will not believe you when you say that it took years of dating, and plucking, and dieting, and going on stupid camping trips, and pretending to like things you hated in order to find "the one." 

     So save your breath. Feel sorry for them, keep setting them up with the perfect date so they can screw it up and embarrass you. Do this because that's what you do when you’re the Married One.

     For this very reason, I decided to conduct some research on the state of the dating scene in Sandpoint. Is there still a negative stigma attached to the experience? Or are all the single people finally embracing their freedom?

     I compiled my research the way most scientists and relationship experts do: Facebook. I figured that if I posted something so controversial, people couldn’t pass it up without commenting. My friends did not disappoint  

     My method was to post an open phrase to which any and all could reply: “Being Single in Sandpoint is like (fill in the blank).” 

    Minutes later I started receiving responses such as those listed – verbatim – below. Read ‘em and weep (or laugh hysterically, depending on where you are in life).

Being Single in Sandpoint is like…

     “A Bobby Brown comeback. Tragic.” – Liz

     “Being single in Sandpoint is the only way to go...have you looked at the dating pool? HA HA just kidding...sorta HA” –Brooke

     “Is a lot like being married in Sandpoint except you can leave the toilet seat up.” – Lenny

     “good because it will save you from alot of diseases.” –Adam

     “Small pickings and never fluctuates beyond a certain number. People can move in and out of the pool, but apparently there’s an official quota of unattached citizens, possibly set by the bartenders at Eichhardt's or perhaps the wine bar to appropriately limit morose drinking. Of course, everyone in this pool has already dated you, your best friend, and occasionally sleeps with your neighbor.” –Donna

     “is better than being married to an a**hole in Sandpoint!” –Robin

     “Being unemployed, you miss out on some of the perks and benefits, but the only sh*t you have to put up with is your own.” – Charis

     “Fishing with no fishing pole” – Tamara

     “is like watching reruns of my own life....” – Dave

     “biting into a raw piece of chicken!” – Dannielle

     My conclusion: being Single in Sandpoint hasn’t drastically changed since my tenure ended. There is, and has been, a marked dissatisfaction with the dating pool of our lovely town. Were any of you surprised?

     Being single in a small town has its challenges, as does being single in a city, or a village. We are so quick to blame our loneliness on geography, when in fact the place you live is only as small as you make it.

     If you decide to hole up in your house all the time and maintain relationships only of the cyber variety, what do you expect? If you keep refusing to attend that annoying-person-at-work’s barbecues and theme parties, they’ll soon stop inviting you. You’ll have missed out on meeting REAL people, with REAL laughter and REAL booze.

     In every invitation there’s an opportunity; you’re the person who ultimately decides whether or not to pass it up. Happiness is ultimately a choice. Amen.

      (Thus concludes the sermon portion of this week’s column.) 

      Finally, we have an early spring situation this year:  mating season will start early. The early bird gets the worm, right? Now get out there and flaunt your plumage.

Remembering a time when I got to eat ALL THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES, ALONE,

Scarlette Quille

DATING ADVICE

People send me freaky pictures like these all the time. So I figure, these guys could use some advice! Check out an older peice I did for the READER, giving advice to some ill-advised would be daters! Advise was compiled from a highly compelling fleet of semi professionals and a group of friends and people who read my column, enjoy.

Romance Rules:

1. Don’t Take Your Date to FAST FOOD (unless it is for post-sex ice cream). In fact never, ever, take a date to fast food unless you have been together for at least six months and you are both broke and hung-over. No one but your 4-year-old niece is impressed by the Golden Arches.
2. Do not “text” someone out; it’s not okay. It is a totally wussy way of actually initiating a date. In that same vein, you shouldn’t ask someone out over MySpace. Same principal: If you can’t look them in the eye before the date, you shouldn’t be dating them at all.
3. Keep a first date lighthearted and fun, not a time to share all of your emotional and/or previous dating baggage. Romance is not therapy (unless you’re dating your shrink, which is a whole other issue. Not a good idea, by the way).
4. If you are going to wear your brand new wranglers (complete with pressed creases) out of the privacy of your own home and on a date, don’t call your him or her “babe”; it’s freaking over the top, okay?
5. It’s getting closer to summer, and if you’re going to wear shorts, lose the socks and make sure you’re not wearing a pink cropped t-shirt that says “30 and Dirty.” The aforementioned outfit will not get you laid. However, and example of this outfit is in my digital photo album (along with countless pics of spectacular mullets from around the U.S. and particularly stunning shots of assorted Ass Cleavage).
6. Apparently large group dates are very successful for meeting your future spouse. The success rate is multiplied when four of the members of the dating posse get consumption tickets. That little run in with the law can start the burning of an eternal flame (the lady who contributed this advice has been married for five years). That said, try to avoid crimes that lead to incarceration.
7. Avoid taking your date to your favorite bar. You don’t want them to be able to find you if things don’t work out.
8. Don’t date siblings (your own included).
9. I have said it once and I will say it again: If you are looking for a potential date or going on a date DO NOT WEAR CAMOFLAUGE. And take the deer carcass out of the back of your truck before picking your intended.
10. If you have even a shred of dignity do not call someone more than twice without a return phone call. If they are not calling you back accept it and move on. You will go from the “nice guy who I just wasn’t attracted to” to the “fiendish stalker who just can’t take a hint” before you can hit redial.
11. A very important first date rule: Do not introduce your date as your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” In fact, don’t even say those words on a first date; they are the improvised explosive devices of polite conversation.
12. Other conversation topics to avoid while on a date: your weapon collection, hair removal, bodily functions, road kill, mathematics, your high school sports career and things your mom does better than every other woman.
13. Do not cry under any circumstance (unless you are bleeding from the mouth).
14. Do not re-date someone; it’s just not a good idea. Would you take a shirt back to the store because it doesn’t fit, then go back and try to buy it again because the new replacement shirt looked bad on you too? No. You would continue to search for a piece of apparel that complimented you and purchase it. Enough said.
15. Also, another thing: Don’t ask if it is “okay” to kiss your date. I know this is controversial, but can't we just go by body language? You lean + I lean = we kiss. You lean + I try to get as far from you as possible = we don’t kiss.
16. Speaking of kissing, that first one has to be good. If you’re going in for the first kiss, my good friend, who is also a very successful dater (doesn’t own an excessive amount of cats and goes out on weeknights), made these suggestions:
a. Make sure your breath is fresh.
b. Make sure you match the speed of the person you are kissing (tongue action as well).
c. Minimize tongue thrusting; it just shows that you’re no good in bed.
d. Strike a “slobber balance” – too much is gross and none is weird.
e. If you experience a bad first kiss RUN RUN RUN.
17. Perhaps the most important advice of all: “Be Prepared.” Steel yourself for anything from man-purses, to projectile vomit. Keep your wits about you, know where the exits are and don’t be afraid use them. The only thing worse than a bad date is one that lasted way too long.

Now, with your new-found understanding and dating resolve, hit the streets. Follow the rules, walk the line and you’ll come out ahead.

Staying hydrated,

Scarlette Quille