FYI~HOT YOGA, EXACTLY LIKE AN ORGY

A friend of mine suggested that I take a Hot Yoga class the other day. Seeing how my schedule is so full doing nothing in the AM followed by nothing else in the PM. I decided to give it a shot.  I've never done hot yoga before, I like to try new things.

Its Thursday morning at 9:15 am, I bring my 2 towels and water bottle to the Hot Yoga studio on Michigan Ave, in Sandpoint. Immediately I see I'm in for more than I expected, the teacher is how you would expect... blissed out of her mind and 90 lbs.,  so are most of her students. They are serious, they have there own gear and outfits.  I paid the yoga lady my $30 for 1 month unlimited fee, and she told me that the "Front of the Class next to the mirrors is where the more experienced students sit."

 OK, I get it heifers in the back no problem.

I walked into the yoga room, and it was dark and hot. 93.6 degrees hot. People laying down all over the place, finding their "centers" or some shit. Immediately sweat began trickling down my back and class hadn't even started. Since it was dark, and I figured no one would notice, I decided to take my t-shirt off and just wear the tank top that I had under it. 

The first exercise was breathing. The teacher told me "Scarlette. you may just want to observe this breathing exercise the first few times." Apparently my lack of yoga experience was obvious. All the partially clothed nimble body creatures around me started looking up and down breathing in and letting out orgasmic breaths.

I don't know what she was worried about,  I am 32 years old, I have mastered the art of the fake orgasm sigh... So far so good, maybe I am not so out of shape, in the dark we all look the same.

Then the teacher floated to the back of  the room on her toxin free cloud and turned on the light, SNAP. There I was pale, bloated, full of toxins staring at myself in a giant mirror. There was no escaping now, my fat ass needed a work out, and I deserve the public humiliation for allowing myself to get this fat. This is when the class really began.

I tried to complete each yoga move with minimal eye contact with my reflection in the mirror,  my eye site was compromised within the first few minutes of class, due to the fact that every time I bent over (at least 1 million times) sweat flowed into my eyeballs rendering me blind for several seconds. When I was granted the gift of site again, I stared at other people instead of myself in order to keep sane. 

For 90 MINUTES, I twisted, contorted, and rolled around in the rivers of my own perspiration. At the end the lights went back off and there was more orgasmic breathing, and lots of eyes rolling back in peoples heads, damn those people are convincing. When it was over I grabbed my t-shirt put it on and hauled ass out of there, I told myself a long time ago, if I was ever going to be part of an orgy I didn't want to know the people, or see them on the streets afterwards.

I am going to go again, though, I paid for it. And its time for me to broaden my horizons not my ass.