This is how you break it down.

This baby can bust a move. He can dance like I think I can dance after about 10 vodka tonics. MMMMMM.....Vodka.  I can see him going on So You Think You Can Dance, only they would wonder how he'd tackle a contemporary routine when he's clearly a classically trained Samba technician.

Yes I watch that show. Yes I love it. 

This is a great video though thank you for sending it my way Charis!!!!

Fiddle Dicks.

I'm kind of a bad driver. 

It's who I am.

I go slowly when there is pretty scenery, and I take the corners too sharp. I forget where I am going till after I pass it.... and I have a panic attack EVERY time I have to merge on to a freeway. I am not going to apologize for this. 

The very ironic part of this whole scenario is that whenever I get into a situation where another driver commits a crime against me, I lose it. Completely: As in laying on the horn and screaming out things like "What the hell is wrong with you? VAGINA LIPPED FLEA BAG.

I try not to cuss with kids in the car. You know responsible parenting.

I guess I've gone too far though, because today my 9 year old daughter chimed in.

I was cut off on a highway, causing me to have to hit the breaks, "Jack ASS" I screamed as my sternum cracked the steering wheel. My daughter pounded the glass with her fists and added "FIDDLE DICK." 

This happened to be the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. After I wiped away my tears the following conversation ensued:

Me: Honey, dick isn't a nice word, actually most people think its a bad word.

Her: What does dick mean?

Me: There is no easy way to say this, it means penis.

(entire backseat full of girls under the age of 10 screaming in horror)

Her (furiously): I told you not to tell me things like this until I'm 16.

Me: Oh, sorry.

(She had warned me about this in a previous conversation when she asked me what a prostitute was....DAMN DATELINE)

FYI: Fiddle Dicks will be on heavy rotation in my vocabulary.

If you watch one thing today, watch this....

There is nothing funnier than a dog humping someone. NOTHING. 

This dog is a straight perp. Watch him loose his mind on this hot young thang. I'm pretty sure he'll do some hard time for this, especially since some fools put it on YOU TUBE. 

FYI: I peed my pants a little while watching this.

Can you blame him? NO, honestly can you?

Police officers just outside of Salt Lake City Utah responded to a call about a child driving recklessly. Apparently this child stole his parents car to avoid going to church. The police chased him for 12 blocks, back to his own driveway where he parked his car and then fled on foot. 

Um, clearly he is Mormon, he's from Utah, and is forced to go to church... I don't blame him really. No caffeine, no cussing, no booze....fuck that, I'd steal the car too. This story has been on every news station on the face of the planet. Every time they play the grainy footage the camera cuts to some news anchorperson smirking, thinking the same thing. "That kid is a genius, a visionary, and probably will not be eligible to marry in the temple. I mean seriously, wait till they tell him he has to go on a mission for two years. He'll probably commit arson.

Perhaps the most amazing part of this story is that he knew how to drive, he knew how to get back home, and at 7 years old he was already smarter than his parents and a group of police officers....

At seven years old, I could possibly manage a  bicycle, and maybe the theft of a few pieces of candy...

My parents never made me go to church, and weened me on coca cola, so I was never driven to grand theft....

Have you ever gone to extremes to get out of church?

Reason 506 why kids are more interesting than adults....

They have all the good gossip.

A 4 year old boy that takes swimming lessons, waltzed up to class yesterday and announced the following:

"My Brother has a rash on his penis. (Now touching his own penis for emphasis) I mean its like everywhere (starts stroking his "sack"). We're going to have to take him to the doctor, because my Mom does NOT know what to do. (Still holding his junk.) I don't want a rash on my penis."

I'm guessing the Mom should just go ahead and book the rashy son a trip to the therapist too. Looks like his brother already knows the art of humiliating a sibling.