Frank The Entertainer in A Basement Affair Episode 1

OK, so as you know I'm going to be recapping "A Basement Affair" on VH1. My castmate from ISAJGS: Cathy is on it, I think it will be funny. So probably every sunday night for the next 9 weeks or something...I will post about this show.

The show is another VH1 version of the Bachelor, everyone knows that VH1 dating shows are far more interesting than the ones on ABC...due to the fact that there are more sluts, possible fist fights, and the nagging fear that someone may contract crabs. Oh,  and the comedic possibilities are endless because a VH1 "bachelor" is usually a D-List celebrity and the contestants fail to understand this crucial point at every turn.  If you want more details on this show consult VH1 or my original post:HERE.

A cast photo for reference, and then I will begin:

So we start out the show, and Frank and his parents are living at their house. Frank lives in the basement, his parents are ashamed that at 30 something, he is still on the tit.  At least there are two people on this show that seem to be in their right mind. The ladies show up, and they are all.. sort of surprised I suppose that they won't be getting shit faced and pole dancing in some random mansion. Instead they will be living with Frank's parents and following rules....etc.

The first thing they have to do is meet Frank and his parents and take a family picture with them.  In a nutshell the girls all seemed to be from the New York or Chicago area... and brunette. There was one blonde but she was Asian and I feel like that somehow made it OK, I don't think Frank likes blondes. Or maybe we don't like him? Food for thought.

Surprisingly the girls were far less slutty than the average VH1 show, and I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. During this little get-to-know-your-future-possible-daughter-in-law-wife-fuck buddy/ whatever a few girls stood out. The first girl to shock me was Ann. She appeared completely miss-casted as she did not have "the look" the other girls had, meaning she had really weird chopped "art school" bangs and the MOST HORRIFYING flowered stretch pants I HAVE EVER SEEN. They were high waisted and had flowers on them, and she had a crop top on too. I started getting the sensation of vomit and a headache all at once. Then she spoke and she was so nice, so normal. It made me feel like a straight bitch. Frank was like "she's not really my type" and I felt bad for her. Even his parents recognized that something was really fucking terribly off about her outfit.Anne From " A Basement Affair"

This is her bio-pic from VH1, maybe she is just comforted by the high waisted pant... Maybe? Regardless, I can't look out her with out thinking of the sitcom Blossom. 

At some point it was Cathy's turn, and um... she was talking and talking, and then talking. And all Frank and his parents could say about her was that she talked too much. Fair enough, but if you only had like 3 minutes to meet someone and their family, well maybe you'd try to fit in a lot of info too right? Cathy can do no wrong in my book.... I'm also betting a good sum of money that she is the girl that puts "Vodka" in the water bottle on next week's episode. I feel like a proud mother. Now tell me that Vodka was Grey Goose, and I might actually weep tears of joy.

Anyway, other notable characters were Mandy, who looked about 40 and had the worse Juvederm I've ever seen. Mandy pissed the Mom off right away, and their hatred for  each other is likely to be a main story line of the show.  She lives in her parents attic, and I'm fairly sure she moonlights as a bar fly smoking no less than two packs of Marlboro reds a day. Also, please look at the cast picture above. NO ONE is standing by her, they all sense that she is a freak. Predictably Frank keeps her. One can only presume this is to insure the  drama stays high. 

The show was really sort of uneventful, too early to really hate any of them, and also too early for any really good drama.

In the end, Frank sent a weird "model" who might have been an android home, and the nice girl from Chicago.  The nice girl never stood a chance, I seriously think that she might have been a virgin or something, as unlikely as that is on VH1. 

Good bye model good bye nice girl.

 

In the end, the Soccer Mom Conquers All

I'm not going to do a recap on this. It would just suffice to say that Cathy the Soccer Mom won EVERYTHING on ISAJGS, the money, the rewards, and of course the title. As the oldest, shortest contestant Cathy didn't lose a single game in the entire series. In the end Cathy and Linda eliminated former twat Drew and competed against each other in final Majide. It was neck and neck until the end when Cathy ripped the heads of squid with her mouth and slid over the lotion mountains into "the money". 

Congratulations Cathy. $250,000! 

I Survived a Japanese Game Show Season 2 episode 7

This was a dark, dark, dark day on Majide. I just wanted to get that off my chest. 

We start off the show and bada boom bada bing the Green Dreams have to chose a player to send to the RedTeam. They chose Megan. It was actually quite smart.

If they chose Brent: the Red team would have a physical advantage.

If they sent Cathy over: they would lose based on her magical properties, and ridiculous luck.

If they sent Linda over: its possible that she may seek revenge by crushing their skulls with her bare hands.

So Megan it is.

Forgive me, I'm not really going to go into a whole lot of details on the games. Typically, I see the games and I think to myself, who the hell thought of this? This time I have the answer. It was clearly the brain-child of a single 47 year old woman as it involved cat outfits, sour milk and a giant vibrator. Anyway, the green team won.

The second game was  sort of like soccer, and involved balloons, cacti and whatever... it was the most boring game yet there was no mess and no fear of injury. Which was probably a relief to Dan, who is totally banged up from his elimination game last week. Any way apparently Cathy is not just a soccer mom, she is also an ex soccer player. I used to think that Cathy the Soccer Mom had a deal with Jesus, after all she is the only person on the show who has never, ever lost even once... After her performance in the soccer game I've decided that her silent business partner is most likely satan. She was a really, really bad sport. Not being content with beating the other team she decided to show off and rub it in, by continuing score goals, long after her team had won. I mean, the final score was  12-2. She was taunting the other team and showing off. Sick. I lost some respect, it was very twat-like behavior.

Well now the red team has to go to elimination, they become deadlocked in a three way tie. Megan did a beautiful job orchestrating this outcome as she knew her former team would not chose her for elimination. The boys go in... and the worse happens. Dan loses.

I really felt for him. The game was "You Look Funny Stuck On a Wall". The same game I was eliminated in when I was on the show. This is probably a sign that we are meant to be best friends. I haven't had a best friend thats a virgin since I was 17. Most people have no idea what it feels like to hurl yourself into a piece of plywood, over and over again after competing in an elimination challenge the previous day. Its not easy. It hurts. Also those suits give CAMEL TOE a whole new definition....

Anyway, Dan is eliminated. All the home-schooled, virgin, librarians of the world cry out in pain. Creating what the world will know as the longest moment of silence in the history of mankind.

Good Bye Dan. Its going to be like swallowing tacks to watch the show with out you on it. Someone please remind me why I PROMISED to cover this show...

I will leave you with this...a priceless You Tube by a Dan Fan. Warning, this will scare you.

Watch out for yourself young adult librarian, this woman looks like she may or may not want to use your skin as an afghan, Buffalo Bill style.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show Season 2 episode 5

A Tale of Squid Crossed Lovers....

ISAGJS went off with bang and a bow and chicka bow wow tonight.... One of the very first scenes in the show was Red Robots Jamie and Twatastic Drew in bed together. They are giggling and canoodling. One of the cast members (I think it was Megan) asks them if they have kissed (The minute you are cast in a reality TV show, you become 13 again, true story. This explains the tears, the stupid things people say, and the belief that everyone is their friend despite having met them 7 days ago.) 

Jamie claims that she has not even kissed Twatdizzle. What in the Pretty Woman hell is that all about? You will sleep with someone but kissing is off limits?  I don't get it. Apparently their little romance is making the rest of the Robots (Justin and Dan) uncomfortable. Dan admits that maybe, just maybe he is uncomfortable with them sleeping in the same bed because he is a virgin and a librarian to boot. Can you imagine the level of silence that has to be achieved in order for a librarian to catch a good night's sleep? It had to be a whole new level of torture for the single male Red Robots to listen to their teammates not kiss and dry hump all night. Sick.  And on some level not fair. 

Anyway it's off to majide, the teams are going to compete. There are now 3 Green Tigers and 5 Red Robots, so the red team has to give away a player. Soccer Mom Cathy was like, get me the fuck off this red team. Apparently she didn't think too much of Jamie and Twatasaurus Rex playing hide-the-tip all night so she offered to go to the green team, despite their loosing streak.

Cathy has yet to lose a single game, she started on the green team then was banished to the red team, and now she is back on the green team. The green team rejoices.  Cathy is a stone cold competitor. I'm guessing that she is organized and can cook too. Uber Moms are SOOOO hard core. 

Back to the game. The game is basically kicking soccer balls into a goal while wearing crazy messed up glasses, and old people wigs... And wouldn't you know it the Green Team wins. Jamie under performs  in the soccer challenge, and so does Dan. Neither one scored a goal. Although it seemed as though Dan was only allowed to try once. The big boys on the team never let Dan play, they are such dicks to him. Why? As Green Tiger Linda said "I can't believe they are picking on a librarian."

Now its time for the second game and the Green Team is riding high on their glorious win. The Red Team is pissed...blah blah blah. The second game involves spandex, human strength fly paper, and balls. I'm going to spare you the description. Basically the Green Team wins again. I am starting to think that Cathy might have some sort of deal going on with Jesus. 

The reward is eating special beef and drinking special sake in some sake maker's secret lair. The punishment is harvesting seaweed. I wish they would have shown whether or not the sake drinkers got drunk, but the red team drama was way more interesting. The Robots get to the seaweed harvesting boat, and Drew refuses to go because he has an upset stomach. Now that my friends, is why Drew is back to being called a Twat. He refused his punishment, and stayed on the dock while the others worked. Weak. Maybe he had the shits, and couldn't risk going out to sea, I don't know. 

Now the Robots have to put someone in elimination, and Justin is like like Twatalina and Jamie have too strong of a "bond" and so we are voting to put them in elimination. This angers the lovers, "Drew" even threatens them. He says "You don't want to have to deal with me when I get back".  After that there is talk about dating and third wheels, basically the point was to break up the sexual alliance. After Drew tries to intimidate them into voting for themselves,  he kisses both his biceps, and strokes Jamie's hair (basically). The single male robots are like, we don't care. So the team deadlocks and the green team has to decide who goes into elimination.

I was totally thinking they would pick the two guys....but NO they pick the LOVERS. My children cheer and scream, and say, WE DON'T LIKE THAT BIG GUY HE PICKS ON THE KID. 

Boy oh boy that was a smart move green team. Good for ratings, good for drama, and just plain DEVIOUS. I want to kiss all of you on the mouth.

Just when you think you've seen it all on Majide, they throw in the REAL dead squids. The elimination game is the most disgusting thing I can imagine. Jamie is in tears because she doesn't want to compete and against her boyfriend because "they have a good relationship." Personally,  I would have been in tears because the object of this game is to pull panty hose over your face and rip the heads of squid with your bare mouth. You can always find some new peen, but the memories of squid tentacles in your mouth will last a life time.

Who will win? The bigger, stronger, presumably tougher Twatalicious or his concubine? 

Well wait a minute here, Jamie is a beast. She starts ripping off the heads of squids like she does it for a living. All while wearing what looks like a transparent nylon S&M mask. So weird. Her boyfriend  catches on but its too late. Jamie sends her lover home. Hopefully they exchanged numbers along with bodily fluids.

Anyway tonight's show was really good.  I may not be able to call anyone a twat anymore, I'm starting to like too many of them....

Peace out Drew, you should probably mary Jamie. You will never find someone who can whoop your ass by biting the heads off squid again.

 

ISAJGS Season 2 Episode 4 Recap...

Ok, so I'm writing this knowing that the haters will comment. But here is the deal. I've been writing as Scarlette Quille for 4 years, long before ISAJGS even existed, and long after it goes off the air I will still be writing this blog. There aren't very many bloggers covering this show, and the ratings are not good. You would think that people would be happy to get press. I'm going to compromise though. Today I will not call the two blonde guys twats. 

The episode starts off with the scariest most painful majide game ever. There is a long table with a large divider in the middle of it. Contestants can't see who is sitting across from them, they are instructed to take off their shirts. Cue lots of sucking- it -in and bicep flexing.  The object of the game is to snap the member of the other team with a large bungee cord~rubber band style.  Green Tiger Linda is up against one of the blonde guys on the red team. She gets snapped so hard it propels her backwards. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Linda is as tough as nails because she takes it like a champion. I was really impressed with Linda. The editors are showing a softer more humble side of Linda in this episode. Interesting. The game ends with the Red Robots beating the Green Tigers and earning the second game advantage.

The Green Tigers are scared, they are on a loosing streak and don't want to face elimination. As an audience we want to be sad, but we know nothing about them.

Finally... in this episode we get a sneak peak into the contestant's life at the "house". This is really the first time we learn anything about the contestants, its rather hard to care about people you don't know, right?

This little montage finally clears up the who -is -who out of the two blonde guys on the red team.  For future reference Justin is the one with Brian Bozworth hair,  and Drew is the other one. It is also revealed that Drew and Jamie are um,....bow chicka bow wow. It all comes full circle! Jamie is not going along with the two blonde "guys" blindly...there is booty on the line. If either one of the lovers gets sent home; the nights will be much lonelier for the one left behind. Well played, a sexual alliance. This is  a move that is beneficial to Jamie because Drew is a very strong player. The Green Tigers have no sexual tension going on, but Megan and Bobaloo have formed a tight friendship. 

At this point we see them all cooking normal food. What the fuck? We had to eat the worst food in the history of man during our season, so wrong.

Then its time for the second game. Honestly I don't want to spend the time explaining this one. There is LOADS of paint, painter outfits, paint pouring from the ceiling, and moving slick floors. You get the picture it's messy. The winner is determined by which team collects the most paint in the spinning moving target's beaker. The red team's advantage is that one of their teammates gets an extra cup. They give the cup to Drew, cut to Drew saying he's the best one on the team.

Green Tigers go first Brent and Linda kick ass. Megan falls so much that I worry about her bones, and Bobaloo is the beaker holder. Next the red team is up and Drew immediately drops the extra cup and the advantage is lost. It appears as though both teams did equally well. It is revealed by judge Bob that the red team has like a smidgen more than the other team,  and so the red team wins. The lovers embrace. The Soccer Mom, the Librarian and Justin gear up for another reward. The Green Tigers do the walk of shame.

Now its time for the water works, Megan is in hysterics because she performed poorly. Brent is basically like "I'm not going into elimination again". The rest of the team agrees because none of them want to go against him. Megan offers to go to elimination, so the team makes her pick her opponent. She picks her dear friend Bobaloo. Friends or shmiends, $250,000 is a lot of dough. In her defense I wouldn't want to go against Linda either. Linda took a bungee to the stomach and then broke a board over her head the day before... basically.

The punishment is washing cars and the reward is race car driving.  Justin takes this time to ridicule the poor innocent librarian Dan. He even goes as far as to make an L-shape with his fingers and put it to his forehead when describing Dan's behavior. In case some of you aren't aware of what that gesture means, it means loser. I know this because my 9 year old daughter does it all the time, she learned it from Hannah Montana. 

Bob and Megan's elimination game involves stuffed pandas, treadmills, flour, and green spandex outfits. Megan wins. Its going to be hard for me to continue watching. 

Why, why, why did it have to be Bobaloo, he was so damn entertaining?