Cheaters. Blech...

So I am trying to get out of this funk with the whole Jesse James is a dirt bag revelation. Why? Why did you have to do it Jesse? 

I haven't posted about Tiger and his ho's because I'm going to be honest with ya'll here. I don't like cheaters. I don't. I don't give a shit if they are married to the most frigid bitch on earth, thats what they invented divorce for. 

I'm not the kind of person who finds it possible to forgive an asshole for fucking around. I don't care if they have a solid gold peen, I'm not down. I'm not religious enough to believe that you work on a marriage NO MATTER WHAT, and I'm not about to let my kids grow up thinking that its OK to let a man treat you like a doormat in the name of marriage. If that makes me a bad person. OH-FUCKING-WELL.

So every time I hear these stories about people cheating on their spouses, it irritates me.  When I hear that their wives are going to take them back, it shocks me.  So when people send me links about how I should cover Tiger's sext messages and blah, blah, blah.... I don't.

Ok, internet? I just don't really do stories on cheating because I don't think its funny. Behind every mistress and man whore is a person who feels like the caviar they've been eating for the duration of their relationship was actually a shit on a stick. A person who is embarrassed, horrified, and in terrible pain...and on top of that they have to bathe in a tub of bleach to kill the germs harbored by whores who go around doing it to people's husbands.

All right, now I'm going to go watch the Hangover back to back to get over this foul mood. Holla.

This shit can not be true.

 Word on the street is that Jesse James, the hottest of hots cheated on his sweet girl next door wife SANDRA BULLOCK.

With this:

Now, I like Sandra Bullock, don't get me wrong. Saying you hate Sandra bullock is like saying you like to punch kittens... but I LOVE Jesse James. In all my imaginary meetings with Mr. James, I've never gotten the pervy cheater vibe from him. I honestly thought he was a recovering addict with a porn star ex wife, who had changed.  Recovering from addiction and breaking it off with a porn star is really hard.

You know?

I'm guessing he relapsed.

According to the Superficial:
While Jesse has had an 11-month affair, including five weeks of sex, with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, she believed he and Sandra were no longer together. "I would never have hooked up with him if I thought he was a married man," Michelle tells In Touch in an exclusive interview. "He gave me the impression they were separated." For weeks, while Sandra was in Atlanta shooting The Blind Side, Michelle had sex at least once a week with the Monster Garage star. Far from a one-night stand, his relationship with Michelle was intimate and highly charged. Michelle even says she called Jesse, who didn't wear underwear or condoms, by a special pet name, Vanilla Gorilla, because he was so "well-endowed." 

This whole Vanilla Gorilla thing has me intrigued I'm not going to lie. If a porn star thinks your packing, then hot dang it must be HUGE. 

Honestly though I hope everything but the Gorilla part is a lie.

A Miracle~Jesse James Finds His Pit Bull

Those of you who read The Whoracle, know that I LOVE ME SOME JESSE JAMES. Well a few weeks ago his pit bull Cinnabun went missing. He hired pet detectives, and put $5000 reward out for the missing pooch, but it looked like this story was going to have a sad, sad ending...

I was very concerned about this. I mean Sandra with all her Oscar nominations and Cinnabun out on the streets who was taking care of Jesse? Who? I kept googling, trying to figure out if they ever found her but apparently its not headline news...

Well anyway, a nice Lady found Cinnabun roaming the streets 15 lbs lighter and covered in dirt....

and she's back with Jesse!!

Yeah, happy ending, cue tears!

Trump Dumped Jesse James & Kept The Pit Viper Whore

Sundays will never be the same. I've been addicted to Celebrity Apprentice this season because Jesse James was on it. And I have a thing for the blue collar hunks. I love a man who can fix all kinds of shit and look hot doing it. In my opinion Jesse James is the king of blue collar guys everywhere: he fixes cars, wears jeans to business meetings, he has been married three times once to a porn star and now to one of the most famous actresses in the world. He is proof that no dream is too big.

Another sad part of this is that I won't have any reasons to post this picture any more, and if that isn't depressing what is?

Donald trump fired him tonight because he didn't use his wife (Sandra Bullock) to bring in more money and ratings. Joan Rivers and her outrageous antics have been ratings gold, so it was obvious that Trump would keep the two biggest bitches in the show and let them fight to the death. 

Joan will take on Annie Duke, the sociopathic poker player. Annie played the game perfectly, too bad she was a stark raving asshole. Apparently elite poker players are like wizards with mind control powers and never ending wads of money.  The best moment of the season was actually when Melissa Rivers called  Annie a pit viper whore. 

I really like the name "pit viper whore" I can't decide if I want to print it on a t-shirt or use it on some unsuspecting fool who cuts me off in traffic. For now I'm just letting it roll around in my head. The possibilities of combining the word whore (one of my favorites) with a dangerous predator sort of makes me giddy.

In honor of Jesse James, and that shit show he was on lets have a contest.

What is the worse name that you have ever called some one?

Jesse James Dirty With Midgets

I am finally home resting on my  couch in my favorite spot, watching Jesse James fight his way to the top amiss a group of silicone infested, self absorbed has beens...

Last nights challenge was to create a viral video for All detergent. Apparently the dip shits at All don't know what viral video means because they were offended at both teams videos. They didn't approve of the masturbation reference in Clint Black's ridiculously stupid video. And they didn't like Jesse James video because of the foul language and the use of the word "midgets". The point of a viral video is to be funny, something people can't see on tv, if they wanted a commercial of bears hugging with rainbows coming out of there furry little asses they should have specified that. I am All's demographic and I loved Jesse James and the little people, especially the EMO little person he was so pissed off... 

I really don't understand the "little people" vs. "midgets" thing, I guess I've been living under an ignorant rock in North Idaho because I didn't know that midget was a derogatory term.

Apparently "All" really hated the video because you can't get it on Youtube, here is what NBC will let us see:

Its not as funny as the actual video was but it should help  you get an idea, of the genius behind it. And by genius I mean Melissa Rivers so I use the term loosely. Warning: her face will scare you.