My 8-year Old will kill the SAT's

So my kids went with their Dad this weekend. You can imagine my surprise when 20 minutes after I dropped them off I received a phone call from him.

Apparently my precious child decided to do some word association with her father. She informed him of the following:

"Dad, Triple Play is to us...what the liquor store is to you."

Um, how can you get mad at that? Seriously the kids a genius with impeccable comedic timing. 

Fiddle Dicks.

I'm kind of a bad driver. 

It's who I am.

I go slowly when there is pretty scenery, and I take the corners too sharp. I forget where I am going till after I pass it.... and I have a panic attack EVERY time I have to merge on to a freeway. I am not going to apologize for this. 

The very ironic part of this whole scenario is that whenever I get into a situation where another driver commits a crime against me, I lose it. Completely: As in laying on the horn and screaming out things like "What the hell is wrong with you? VAGINA LIPPED FLEA BAG.

I try not to cuss with kids in the car. You know responsible parenting.

I guess I've gone too far though, because today my 9 year old daughter chimed in.

I was cut off on a highway, causing me to have to hit the breaks, "Jack ASS" I screamed as my sternum cracked the steering wheel. My daughter pounded the glass with her fists and added "FIDDLE DICK." 

This happened to be the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. After I wiped away my tears the following conversation ensued:

Me: Honey, dick isn't a nice word, actually most people think its a bad word.

Her: What does dick mean?

Me: There is no easy way to say this, it means penis.

(entire backseat full of girls under the age of 10 screaming in horror)

Her (furiously): I told you not to tell me things like this until I'm 16.

Me: Oh, sorry.

(She had warned me about this in a previous conversation when she asked me what a prostitute was....DAMN DATELINE)

FYI: Fiddle Dicks will be on heavy rotation in my vocabulary.

Reason 506 why kids are more interesting than adults....

They have all the good gossip.

A 4 year old boy that takes swimming lessons, waltzed up to class yesterday and announced the following:

"My Brother has a rash on his penis. (Now touching his own penis for emphasis) I mean its like everywhere (starts stroking his "sack"). We're going to have to take him to the doctor, because my Mom does NOT know what to do. (Still holding his junk.) I don't want a rash on my penis."

I'm guessing the Mom should just go ahead and book the rashy son a trip to the therapist too. Looks like his brother already knows the art of humiliating a sibling. 

Drunk Grandmas

I have started teaching swimming lessons. There really are no words to express the kind of cold that one feels when they spend 4 hours in 65 degree weather in a lake that is much, much colder than that....

But if I wasn't teaching swimming lessons I wouldn't have met my new favorite kid.

Me: The life guard's job is to help us, that is why it is important that they are not hungover, are paying attention at all times.

Random Kid: I know that life guard he is my cousin's neighbor.

Me: Wow.

Frozen kid: My grandma was a life guard.

Favorite Kid: My grandma would rather work at a winery.

Me: Me too.

Kids are so much wiser than humans.

Soon, she will understand the power of alcohol

This poor child was horrified by what she saw on the dance floor. I can relate to her, as I have to attend many weddings sober. Don't worry honey, soon you will be old enough to steal booze and hide in the parking lot with the older kids... until then keep poking your eyes out.