LAY-OFF LIST

1. Ride a mechanical bull.

2. Be a groupie and get a backstage pass. (not the slutty kind, just the kind that loves the music)

3. Go camping, real camping.

4. Get tattoo

5. Take road trip.

6. Go skinny dipping.

7. Write that book.

8. Take over a dive bar.

9. Participate in open mic night.

10. Find a job, that I love.

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Entries in Lay off List (5)

Wednesday
Mar102010

Single In Sandpoint: Could I be The New Disney Princess?

NUMBER 10 ON THE LAY OFF LIST!!!! SUCK IT.

Single in Sandpoint: Springtime for Scarlette, in Sandpoint

     It felt like a Disney movie when I woke up this morning – the birds were singing, the sun was shining, my animals were helping me get dressed. Its early March and there isn't a spot of snow in sight… in North Idaho. What's up with that? I keep waiting for the part where the evil villainess (Winteressa, we’ll call her) tears through the city and delays summer for five months with that five or so feet of snow we’ve been missing all winter. 

     Sure there’s been some rain and some cold mornings, but we’ve been blissfully snow-free for months now, and I for one LOVE it. All is right in the world when spring is in the air, American Idol is on TV and the cold, cruel hand of Winteressa lays heavily on places in the east. Seriously, whoever is responsible for this, THANK YOU.

     Maybe we deserved a light winter. I mean, I did have to have a TRACTOR dig me out of my snow-buried house a year ago. I also spent some quality time in a snowy ditch with a car full of kids after being cut off on the highway by some idiot hell-bent on being first in line at McDonalds. Oh, and then there was the whole thousands-of-people-getting-laid-off thing.

     Last winter sucked. 

     Which brings me to my point: I've been officially laid off for a year now, and over that time one of my goals has been to find a job that I love. I've struggled with whether or not I’ve successfully completed this task. You see, back before I was a run-of-the-mill corporate whore I graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree, emphasis in Photography. (And no, I did not take underwater basket weaving, and YES it is a REAL DEGREE.) 

     I've successfully worked as a photographer off and on through the years, mostly as a side job. It has taught me that there is a reason for the term "starving artist."  Nonetheless, when I was laid off I decided to seize the once-in-a-lifetime chance to do photography "full time.

     I have a pretty broad portfolio; in the last few years I've taken pictures of everything from a 300 pound women's "tush" (apparently her husband is a big fan), to a wedding fit for a princess. Taking pictures of the happy parts in people's lives is beyond fun. To call it a “job” is almost insulting. 

     Therein lays the problem: Sometimes I feel like I'm having SO MUCH FUN that it can't really be a job. Other times, mainly in the winter months, I'm slow. Being a corporate cog for so many years has made it virtually impossible to embrace these slow times. Instead of training for a marathon, or perfecting my Bloody Mary recipe, I worry. I go so crazy worrying that I become a psychotic, cursing myself for doing something so stupid as marrying for love and  following my dreams of running a successful photography business.

     I could have been a kept woman, right? I could have met me a sugar daddy, QUIT my job and spent my winters lying on a beach sipping drinks and honing skills that would eventually transform me into a powerful and successful cougar. My only expectations in life would be to look good and spend money doing it. Photography would just be a pastime. 

     But what if I would have done that and found it wasn't that great? That would be worse. Who wants to find out that their fantasy life was a big bowl of suck soup?! 

     What would I fantasize about when I was trying to think of ways to pass the winter months? Without my cougar-in-training fantasy I'd end up bald and working in a call center – my two worst nightmares.

     Worry. You see? It's what I do.

     Here's the catch though: today the birds are singing, the sun is shining, Winteressa is otherwise engaged, I have a really hot husband who loves to cook breakfast and, later on today, I GET TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER. That life sounds like a fantasy too, only its real. It's mine. Go figure. 

     So there you have it folks, I have a job I love and just think – like Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz” – it was there all along.

 

Happy Spring,

 

Scarlette Quille

 

Monday
Jun152009

Number 3 on the Lay-off List: DONE

OK, so I have finished number 3, on my list. 

I camped. It was fun. I mean I'm not sure if I can count it as "real camping" because we slept in the back of the truck, and I kind of wonder if "real" camping requires a tent.  I'm no expert on that kind of thing so let me know if you have the answers.

I did roast marshmallows, I didn't shower for two days, and I totally braved the elements, soooooo I'm thinking it counted.

My weekend highlights:

1. White Water Rafting the Lochsa, and I didn't die. I highly recommend rafting the Lochsa, if you are an adrenaline junky, and would like to experience the most intense ride of your life.  

2. Flip cup. I am so good at this drinking game, seriously, its like I can't stop. I actually have to fall to the ground and be dragged off into the night before I can stop. Its like I found my calling. In a past life I must have been a frat boy. There was a part when all of the male flip cup participants got naked, and I don't remember any of that...I just remember that I was a champion, and had to sleep for 16 hours straight afterwards.

3. Camping. I am just so happy that its warm enough to sleep outside, I fucking hate winter.

4. Finishing a task on my Lay off List, nothing tastes as sweet as accomplishment!

I wish I had more to say, I rafted, I camped, I drank, I was hung over for two days and I now have dread locks...Whatever number 3 on the lay off list is totally done.

Interestingly enough, I think I figured out a way to  complete task number 6 on the list. SKINNY DIPPING. Apparently I live 2 hours away from a really sweet nudist camp. Kaniksu Ranch is located in Loon Lake Washington, and besides naked camping they have a lot of activities, like the Bare Buns Fun Run, Wii Bowling tournament, and you'll never believe my good fortune: GUINESS WORLD RECORD SKINNY DIP - followed by a jeopardy challenge.

It's like Jesus wants me to be happy.

I do have a prior engagement on the day of the skinny dip, but I might be able to "swing" it. If not, maybe I'll just take a day trip to Loon Lake and take a swim and use their free Wifi. I have never gotten naked for a good wireless connection before, but I am not above it....

The real question is... have you really lived life if you haven't been to a nudist camp? I've asked myself this question and decided, I may not be complete until I experience it....

 

 

 

 

Sunday
Jun072009

Enjoy Me Now, I may not make it back...

I'm going to go white water rafting on the Lochsa this weekend. They sent me a check list and it pretty much said write your will, because your going to die.

I was hoping to take care of  some of my Lay Off List  care of specifically #3. Now I'm worried that I won't ever finish my list...

I'm not afraid of water, I can swim like fish. I am a swim teacher for god sakes, but I am scared of head injuries. I have a huge head and it is always the first thing to hit. This explains my varied past full of concussions. 

Any survival suggestions?

 

Thursday
Apr162009

GUEST POST: A Man Sends Me His Laid Off List

A reader sends me his lay off list, I laugh and laugh, and then share it with you!!! Hopefully this will inspire more of you to write your own.

Friday I  found myself laid out and have completed my own Laid-off Top Ten (it's still a work in progress.)

1.) Drive to the Pacific Ocean and wash all the corporate slime off! May require stormy seas.

2.) Apply online for jobs in New York City so I can tell all the other unemployed people at my local bar that I'm applying for jobs in New York City. They won't care but it beats telling them the local grocery store won't even take my app!

3.) Become the first guy ever to cut out and use an actual coupon! (Yea, like that's gonna happen)

4.) Drink a gallon of water every day! I see girls do it all the time.

5.) Clean bathroom just in case I ever do drink a gallon of water every day.

6.) Find out why woman only want to have sex when they are wearing colored underwear.

7.) Buy girlfriend more colored underwear.

8.) Now that I've discovered I get about 50 telemarketing calls all day every day, try to stop screaming terrible things at them.

9.) No matter how poor I get, promise to never accept job as telemarketer.

10.) Life was once a choice of right and wrong. Now it's a choice of wrong and fun. Let the fun begin.

Please include more stories about Sandpoint. It is the prettiest, most ass backward place on the planet. I miss it every day.

--

Wednesday
Apr082009

#5 On The Lay-Off List~Done

Last week I completed number 5 on my lay-off list. If you would like to review the contents of this list it is conviently located to your right.                                                                                                                                                                 San Felipe

#5 Go On A Road Trip

 It wasn't exactly what I envisioned when I made this goal, but I was a passenger in an automobile that traveled 1380 miles and spanned two countries last week. We drove from San Felipe Mexico to San Diego then to Las Vegas on to Boise and then home sweet home Sandpoint. We put in 24 hours on the road. And spent the majority of our trip sober. I would say that qualifies as the mother fucker of all road trips. So I marked it off, 1 down 9 to go.

I am open to taking part in another road trp, but next time I plan to drive no more than 3 hours at a time. I also plan on peppering my travel with more drinking and sleeping.Heaven

I also plan on going with my girlfriends. I'm not saying that I didn't like the company on my last road trip. My betrothed is an excellent companion and very good driver. I have never known anyone in my life that likes to drive as much as he does. He has driven from Sandpoint to Florida. He doesn't even consider it a drive unless its more than 15 hours. He routinely says things to me like "What its just an 8 hour drive?" And HE NEVER LETS ME DRIVE, EVER. The truth is I'm not on his level yet. He is a professional. I have only achieved the Junior Varsity Team status.

I did gain some insight on this trip. I have a new appreciation for my North Idaho upbringing. My ability to pee outdoors is a skill that has been put to use on every road trip I've ever been on. Why? Because I do not go in porta potties. Its not because I'm a germophobe. My reasoning is very sound. Have you ever been in a porta potty when there wasn't a pile of diarhea staring at you from the pit? You have to look at it, because it is necessary to look at the seat before you sit. You have no choice but to look in there. In order for me to be able to use a porta potty I would have to be able to navigate its terrain with my eyes shut and nose plugged, and quite frankly I'm not that talented.

I also learned a valuable lesson: one of the major requirements of a road trip is torture. Sometimes its the car breaking down, and having to push it to the next gas station. Other times it is listening to the "driver's" same playlist 5,000 times. And in the worse of times someone barfs. Those are the memories that last. 

the thermometer

The best road trip stories are not about seeing the worlds largest thermometer located in Death Valley, or the beautiful pristine beaches in San Felipe. The stories that we tell again and again will be about teaching  my daughters how to pee outside, and finding out that the man I sleep next to every night secretly loves the song "Fergalicious"