THE LAY-OFF LIST

About a week ago I had a dream. I dreamt that I wrote a song and everyone wanted to hear it, but I didn't have the huevos to sing in front of anyone. The dream went on and on, and there was a point when my life depended on singing that song but I still wouldn't do it. Just as in real life, my dream singing voice ranks between a screeching ferret and Sanjaya.

The dream ended badly, when the people who were trying to force me to sing locked me a jail cell that slowly filled with water. I woke up with a horrible nightmare-jolt and spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what the hell it all meant.

One could speculate it meant a lot of things, and I’m sure as you’re reading this you’ll have your own opinions. I, however, took the dream to mean that I’m not living up to my full potential, and my subconscious is trying to give me a boot in the ass. I need it. I’ve been lost since I was laid off – not sad, not mad, just lost.

And why shouldn’t I be? After my drowning-jail cell-karaoke dream it dawned on me that I haven't had a summer without work or a newborn baby for 19 years, no f-ing joke.

I've been slaving away for the man since I was 14 and haven't lived enough life yet to hang up my dreams and spend every hour of sunshine in a grey cube where I sit, week after week, waiting for someone to acknowledge the fact that I work there.

The reality though is that I’m going to have to figure out a way to make money, and you can only collect unemployment for so long. So the way I look at it is that I have about six months to do everything I’ve always wanted to do but couldn't seem to fit in on my days off. It’s a “bucket list,” if you will, but I’m not going to call it a bucket list. I’m going to call it my “Lay-Off List.”

I know many of you who read this paper and or my blog may also be laid off – maybe this will inspire you to be happy instead of watching “Ellen” and sulking. I’m hoping it will inspire you to create your own lay-off list; and, if you have a job, I hope it makes you green with envy.

I’m also hoping you have some worthwhile activities to add to my list. If so, send them to the Reader at stories@sandpointreader.com, or e-mail them to me at scarlettequille@gmail.com. Without further ado, here is my list:

Scarlette’s Lay-Off List

1. Ride a mechanical bull. I realize that many of you may be surprised to learn I’ve never ridden a mechanical bull. Still, I feel that in order to get in touch with my inner hick (and before I’m arthritic), I should go for the glory.

2. Be a groupie and get a backstage pass. I haven't been to a concert in almost three years. I’d like to go to a concert dressed as Penny Lane. I’ll sit in the crowd with my eyes closed and sing the words to every song.

3. Go Camping. I haven't gone camping “for real” (in a tent, more than one night) since my childhood. I remember camping being a blast, and I live in north Idaho and don't even own a sleeping bag. It’s embarrassing, really.

4. Get that tattoo. I have wanted to get another tattoo for the longest time but keep torturing myself with line: "Self, you can have that tattoo when you fit into your size six jeans." Um yeah, I haven't seen those in a couple of years, so this summer it’s time to reward myself and get that tattoo just because I want it.

5. Take a road trip. This one is already in the works. I’ve contacted my best friends, and so far I have four ladies who are down with it. We’re going to meet up and, hopefully, take a trip to a concert, where I can also take care of No. 2 on my list. I've been scouring the Internet looking for a cheap Volkswagen bus – all the best groupies have their own bus.

6. Go skinny dipping. I did this a few years ago and I think it’s really something everyone should do every summer. If not, you’re robbing yourself of the greatest feeling on earth.

7. Write that book. I’ve been talking about it for a while now and I think it’s time I actually put together a book and see what happens. If it never gets published so be it, how many people can say they wrote a "book," right?

8. Take over a dive bar and dance on a table, sing karaoke and put on the performance of a lifetime. Convince others to do the same. I danced on a bar once, at Coyote Ugly in Vegas, but that isn't really a dive bar and it was forced, not improvised. I suck at karaoke (I’ll refer you to my nightmare above), but I’m a pretty convincing performer.

9. Participate in an open mic night. I don't know what I’ll do yet but I have a few months to sort it out. Any suggestions on this number would be appreciated. No singing, though.

10. Figure out a way to make money doing something I love. Anyone hiring a writer/photographer/apprentice groupie.

With a little luck I think I pull off all 10 items on my list by September. Regardless, I’m going to video/photograph my attempts, and you’ll be able to check my progress at the Scarlette Quille blog: www.CorporateWhoracle.com. I want memories of my six months of living-to-the-fullest – the only thing worse than being laid off is wasting all that precious free time!

Remember: If life gives you lemons, add vodka

Scarlette Quille