Finally a Pair of underwear worth Sharting for...

If I ever decide to wear underwear, I'm going to wear these.

Seriously swalding vaginas in the face of Robert Pattison can be the new brazilian wax. "Did you see Britney had flashed her Edward last night?"

I'm sure hundreds of virgins will maintain their virginity by wearing these, because there is no way on earth they are going to get laid when they take off their clothes and the guy sees Edward staring back at him. Twilight themed underwear will become the new "unicorn" in the room, as in if you go into someone's room and they have anything "unicorn" themed in it....you can guarantee that they are a heart beat away from stalking the living shit out of you. Run. In case your Mama didn't tell you....you never fuck a unicorn lover, it always ends poorly. 

That said, I'm buying these for every single person I know who read twilight, including my brother.

For more information on how to make your genitals feel ashamed, go to TWITARDED.

Count Cockula By Fleshjack, Because the World is a Fucked up Place

First of all. There are men out there who are obsessed with Vampires too? I mean obsessed enough to stick their penis into simulated vampire teeth jacking sleeve, in a can? Are you kidding me? 

I've said it once, I'll say it again: I don't get the vampire obsession at all. I mean if they were going to come out with a Wolverine themed sex toy, well that makes perfect sense. But this whole Twilight/First Blood thing excites me about as much as a bowl of wilted spinach.

By the way, I would have left a link to the site, to buy this, but its basically a pornographic blog, and I know some of ya'll are at work... If you must go on your free time google "Fleshjack" I can not again for fear of getting caught..

In Honor of Twilight, The Vamp Dildo

Should we be surprised, really?

I've never seen the movie or read the books. I know you just gasped, then awkwardly felt judged, now you are going to say to me "they are really well written." How do I know this? Because I've got the same reaction every time I tell a Twilight obsessed loved one the shocking news.

I have been turned off from Twilight, since the beginning when every Mom on the soccer scene was talking about it and salivating. At first it peaked my interest since my cousin told me it made her all tingly in her private zones. Then another Mom piped in that they loved the abstinence and virgin theme, immediately after that my eyes glazed over, and I swore never to read such filth.

I mean seriously, vampires that DON'T fuck? Haven't you seen Lost Boys or Interview With a Vampire? Thats what Vampires do best "dickmatize" their victims, give them the best sex session of their lives and then kill them. 

The dildo makers at Tantus Direct have figured out a way to cash in on the vampire craze, and help all those Twilight Ho's finally get laid. 

Since probably 95% many people who read this probably jack to the guy from twilight with the beehive hair and the cherry chapstick lips (sorry I forgot his name). I decided to include the link, if you click here you can pre-order your very own simulated vampire cock... and here is the product description...

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Since it's a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus' own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.