Roided Out Gine Wins World Record

Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Russia has set a new world record. She has lifted 14 Kilos with nothing but her athletically gifted vagina. Wow.  In an interview, Tatiata had the following to say:

“After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!”

For the record, I would like to know how long ages actually was... I mean, was it like a day or a few hours or a month? Seriously. AGES? I have to give it to her though, how many vaginas actually can meet their full fitness potential? Hmmm? 

Vaginas are so much cooler than penises. When's the last time you saw a penis push a 10lb kid from its hole? Or blow out a pack of matches? Or lift 14 kilos?

Would you train your own vagina to lift weights? Thats the real question. Also, when can we expect Tatiata to make a fitness DVD?

I wish I had that kind of discipline, but I have a hard enough time finding the motivation to lift weights with my visible muscles. I might consider it if  there is a way to train it to hold your purse while you are using both hands... 

Britney's Vagina On A Comeback Tour

I had to change this to another you tube video because the other got taken down, weird. You can hear as much on this one, but you get the idea...

Apparently Britney's costume had some problems during her live show in Tampa Bay, and her  normally "camera shy" vajango came out and played peek-a-boo with the crowd. I mean its been months since a picture of her vagina has surfaced, I was beginning to think it had retired. Apparently its just been charging its batteries for a comeback. Everyone knows that Britney's vagina loves fresh air, that costume wasn't enough to harness its desire to live free.

Being the professional that she is Britney finished the  song and then went off stage, and proceeded to cuss somebody out saying "OK, my pussy is hangin out." Not a big deal but, her microphone was still on, forward to 0:30 if you want to cut to the chase. The whole crowd got to hear about her "pussy".

There are several things that strike me about this clip, the first being I cant believe her microphone was on, I mean isn't it just an unspoken truth that her shows are not live? Not that I care, I love her no matter what.  She could sing in a box with a fox, and I would still owe her a debt of gratitude her music has long been the soundtrack that plays when I need to feel like a stripper/diva/seductress/skinny bitch, you know... we all have those kinds of songs.

The next thing that struck me as weird is that she calls her vagina a "pussy". I always imagined that she had a nice southern name for her privates like "Magnolia" or "Betsy Joe". I myself can not say the word pussy, as it makes my mouth itch, like I just ate coconuts (which I am allergic to).  

I really don't care for that word... at all. 

V is for Vagina, Valentines Day, and Very Long Weekend....

I drove to Moscow this weekend to see the Vagina Monologues. A friend of mine was starring in it, her monologue was the one about a lady who keeps having accidental orgasms ( a concept that I do not understand because when the big O hits me, lets just say I see it coming). Nevertheless the woman goes to a masturbation teacher and she looks at her vagina in a mirror and then figures out where her pleasure button is, and has the big O on purpose.

In and of itself this monologue is pretty funny and a little awkward, watching my husband, her husband, and her brother in law show their support in the audience as she lifted her leg to get a good glance at her vagina in the mirror, was priceless. One laughed out loud, on gasped in sheer terror/awe, and the other covered his eyes for the remainder of the performance. 

Here is the little shell vagina herself, I have to say she was one of the best, and seriously look at her rock those leggings.  She was like a little flower in a garden of dark ambiguously sexed drama students. Please forgive the picture quality no flash photography was allowed...

 The vagina people ask you the same questions every time and I thought it would be fun to answer them:

If your vagina could talk what would she say? Hmmm.... She would probably say the following: "no solicitors, and thank god you are afraid of waxing and hate underwear.

What would my vagina wear? Well I hate underwear, I have a severe affliction to anything tight...so underwear would not be on the list. She would probably wear a nice warm hoody with a pocketfull of sweedish fish.... 

What do I call my vagina? I don't really call her a name, but I do feel like she deserves one, coochie is too generic for such a good friend. I'm thinking something along the line of Ketel One.

I'm so tired, road trips really put me over the edge....